Overdue notices, Sending

Libraries should use the threat of overdue fines to create a sense of power over their patrons. Nothing says, "I am a force to be reckoned with!" like a generic system-generated email/postcard/letter demanding 25-cents.

Parties, Throwing

Final exams week is a great time to host an impromptu party at your library. But don't invite your security folks. They will confiscate uncovered drinks and/or spray your students in the face with mace.

Mug, Your ugly

Librarians should choose clever coffee mugs to express themselves creatively around the workplace. A person's mug says a lot about him or her. For example, your "An oyster a day keeps the Viagra away!" mug explains to your library colleagues both your bad breath and your boners.

Ask the readers: What's the best/worst coffee mug used at your library?

In, Blending

Librarians should not wear clothes with pictures of books on them. This "library-camouflage" may hide you as you wander in the stacks, but it makes you a target for nerdhunters as soon as you walk out the library's front door.

Earth Week, Celebrating

Librarians can celebrate Earth Week by...

• Unplugging all of the library's computers
• Burning library books to save fossil fuels
• Encouraging staff to not shower for a week
• Only circulating green books
• Using patron poop to fertilize library landscaping

Shushing, Equal opportunity

It is your responsibility as a librarian to inform library patrons when their headphones are too loud. Nevermind if the patron has impaired hearing and turns out to be using an assisted listening device. Disabilities are no excuse for noisiness in the library.

Meetings, Escaping from

It is perfectly acceptable for a librarian to fake a small bladder to escape from a meeting, workshop, or conference presentation. If you play the part convincingly enough, you can even angle for a "handicapped parking" spot.