Tobacco, Disposing of

Please do not spit your chewing tobacco into the library's public restroom urinal. If you need to flush it, swallow it first.

Kindle, Using your

All of your library coworkers resent you for owning a Kindle, and they secretly hope it breaks. If you insist on reading it at work, consider disguising it in a hollowed-out book.

Archivists, Offending

Never refer to an archivist as a "librarian" unless you are looking to insult them. And if that is the case, you might also call their mother a "cataloger."

Groups, Joining

Beware of grouping with other librarians. Your lanyards might get tangled together.

Greatness, Defining

A good librarian will supply the reference desk with a perfectly-sized, uniform stack of call number note slips manually cut from recycled office paper. A great librarian will write an article about how to do it.

Fresh, Starting

Celebrate the new year with a fresh start by painting over all the racist, homophobic graffiti in your library's bathroom stalls. You can discourage the return of crudely drawn genitals and scribbled hate speech by installing a small sign in each stall that reads, "This space is monitored by video surveillance."

Web sites, Abandoning

The best library Web site is a library Web site that doesn't need to be updated. Libraries can save valuable human and technical resources by removing all links, staff directories, hours, and other "changeable" information on their pages. Additionally, by disconnecting the phones and locking the library's doors, the librarians will suddenly find more time for meeting with one another to discuss the design and effectiveness of the library's Web site.