Airplanes, Flying on

As you are flying to Boston for ALA Midwinter, be sure to acknowledge your library-brethren -- the flight attendants. Like you, these kindred spirits teach in small, confined spaces; they express an obvious boredom with teaching the same lesson over and over again; and their lessons are directed to patrons who blatantly ignore them.

For those of you who are not flying to Boston, express your camaraderie by handing out packets of peanuts to the students in your library classes.

Tobacco, Disposing of

Please do not spit your chewing tobacco into the library's public restroom urinal. If you need to flush it, swallow it first.

Kindle, Using your

All of your library coworkers resent you for owning a Kindle, and they secretly hope it breaks. If you insist on reading it at work, consider disguising it in a hollowed-out book.

Archivists, Offending

Never refer to an archivist as a "librarian" unless you are looking to insult them. And if that is the case, you might also call their mother a "cataloger."

Groups, Joining

Beware of grouping with other librarians. Your lanyards might get tangled together.

Greatness, Defining

A good librarian will supply the reference desk with a perfectly-sized, uniform stack of call number note slips manually cut from recycled office paper. A great librarian will write an article about how to do it.

Fresh, Starting

Celebrate the new year with a fresh start by painting over all the racist, homophobic graffiti in your library's bathroom stalls. You can discourage the return of crudely drawn genitals and scribbled hate speech by installing a small sign in each stall that reads, "This space is monitored by video surveillance."