Timing, Perfecting your

A librarian should never prepare one hour of material for a one-hour class. The professor will always be ten minutes late, instruct you to wait five more minutes for any "straggling" students, and then take ten minutes to hand back homework and check attendance. You can spend those twenty-five lost minutes looking at Facebook like everyone else in the room before teaching your 30-minute class.

Kids, Supporting your coworkers'

As a librarian you will be expected to buy overpriced magazine subscriptions, candy bars, fruit, and frozen cookie dough from your coworkers for their kids' school fundraisers. If you don't yield to these solicitations, those snot-nosed little punks might slash the tires on your library booktruck.

Hands, Holding

A good librarian will register his or her library colleagues for the Handheld Librarian Online Conference, set up a group viewing room, and send daily reminders leading up to the gathering. Those who stand to benefit most from the conference need a lot of hand holding and can't do these things by themselves.

Webinars, Attending

Library administrators can use webinars to provide their librarians with professional development opportunities right from the comfort of their computer desktop. If you are lucky enough to attend a webinar, be sure to thank your boss for letting you sleep through a soul-crushing PowerPoint presentation without the burden of having to travel to a new city, eat at nice restaurants, and swim in the hotel's indoor pool.

Valentine's Day, Celebrating

Embrace the stereotype of sexy librarian, and celebrate Valentine's Day at your library by flirting with your patrons. [Note: If you are a children's librarian, this advice may get you arrested.]

Valentine's Day, Preparing for

As Valentine's Day approaches, librarians should begin reviewing and updating the library's prohibitions against public displays of affection, the viewing of explicit online content, and the reading of terrible love poetry.

Black History Month, Celebrating

Celebrate Black History Month @ your library by publicly calling your cataloger a racist for using the subject heading "Blacks -- History" instead of "African American -- History" in a catalog record.