Stapler, Loading the

Never let the library's stapler run out of staples at the reference desk. This important piece of equipment fastens more than just your partrons' sheets of paper, it holds together the entire fabric of the library profession.

Comedian, Being an amatuer

Instruction librarians should use well-rehearsed library jokes, one-liners, and puns in an attempt to lighten the tone of their library lectures.  Just remember that you are only funny in relation to the dryness of your lesson, and your students still think you're a dweeb even if they do laugh at your recycled jokes.

Ask the readers: What comedic gems do you use re-use in your library lectures?

Timing, Perfecting your

A librarian should never prepare one hour of material for a one-hour class. The professor will always be ten minutes late, instruct you to wait five more minutes for any "straggling" students, and then take ten minutes to hand back homework and check attendance. You can spend those twenty-five lost minutes looking at Facebook like everyone else in the room before teaching your 30-minute class.

Kids, Supporting your coworkers'

As a librarian you will be expected to buy overpriced magazine subscriptions, candy bars, fruit, and frozen cookie dough from your coworkers for their kids' school fundraisers. If you don't yield to these solicitations, those snot-nosed little punks might slash the tires on your library booktruck.

Hands, Holding

A good librarian will register his or her library colleagues for the Handheld Librarian Online Conference, set up a group viewing room, and send daily reminders leading up to the gathering. Those who stand to benefit most from the conference need a lot of hand holding and can't do these things by themselves.

Webinars, Attending

Library administrators can use webinars to provide their librarians with professional development opportunities right from the comfort of their computer desktop. If you are lucky enough to attend a webinar, be sure to thank your boss for letting you sleep through a soul-crushing PowerPoint presentation without the burden of having to travel to a new city, eat at nice restaurants, and swim in the hotel's indoor pool.

Valentine's Day, Celebrating

Embrace the stereotype of sexy librarian, and celebrate Valentine's Day at your library by flirting with your patrons. [Note: If you are a children's librarian, this advice may get you arrested.]