Signs, Making patrons read

Frustrated with patrons who won't read the signs you have hanging throughout your library? Here are some tips...

1. Invest in a newer, bigger, shinier, more colorful sign that reads, "PLEASE READ ALL SIGNS @ YOUR LIBRARY."
2. Subliminally sneak random naughty words into your signs (e.g., "NO porn sex FOOD naked OR DRINKS IN xxx adult THE LIBRARY")
3. Add the following language in small print to the bottom of all existing signs: "Patrons who do not read signs are subject to eye rolls, sassing, or even bodily harm from the librarian on duty."

Legacy, Leaving a

Decorate the librarian-side of your reference desk with hand-scrawled sticky notes, outdated scraps of paper, and dog-eared policy documents of unknown origin. Your contribution of an unlabeled call number on a Post-it will most likely outlast your career.

For extra fun, discreetly post the URL for this post somewhere on your library's reference desk (dated on the back), and see how long it lasts there.

Robot, You are not a

Librarians should refrain from calling themselves "cybrarians."  If you talk this way, it may be time for someone to reformat your hard drive.

Stapler, Loading the

Never let the library's stapler run out of staples at the reference desk. This important piece of equipment fastens more than just your partrons' sheets of paper, it holds together the entire fabric of the library profession.

Comedian, Being an amatuer

Instruction librarians should use well-rehearsed library jokes, one-liners, and puns in an attempt to lighten the tone of their library lectures.  Just remember that you are only funny in relation to the dryness of your lesson, and your students still think you're a dweeb even if they do laugh at your recycled jokes.

Ask the readers: What comedic gems do you use re-use in your library lectures?

Timing, Perfecting your

A librarian should never prepare one hour of material for a one-hour class. The professor will always be ten minutes late, instruct you to wait five more minutes for any "straggling" students, and then take ten minutes to hand back homework and check attendance. You can spend those twenty-five lost minutes looking at Facebook like everyone else in the room before teaching your 30-minute class.

Kids, Supporting your coworkers'

As a librarian you will be expected to buy overpriced magazine subscriptions, candy bars, fruit, and frozen cookie dough from your coworkers for their kids' school fundraisers. If you don't yield to these solicitations, those snot-nosed little punks might slash the tires on your library booktruck.