Budget, Cutting the

In tough economic times, libraries are often forced to make painful budget cuts.  Too often though, these cuts (layoffs, materials spending, etc.) happen behind the scenes and go unnoticed by library patrons.  Librarians can help their own budget situations by making bold, noticeable budget cuts that are sure to capture the attention of their users.  Some suggestions:

1. Replace compact fluorescent light bulbs with... no light bulbs.
2. Replace photocopiers with volunteer oral historians.
3. Charge $5 per printed page.  (Twenty-page minimum.)
4. Hire volunteer sex-offenders to conduct all story-time and young adult programming.
5. Replace audio-book collection with homeless people who will follow patrons around and read books aloud.
6. Heat the library by burning Bibles.
7. Stop buying vampire novels.

Ask the readers: Do you have other bold ideas?  Let us know in the comments section below.

Flash mobs, Library

The best way to deter a flash mob from taking place in your academic library is to invite students to an official, library-sponsored flash mob.  Announcing it on Facebook, Twitter, and your library blog will drain it of all coolness and make it just as sparsely attended as all of your "local author" book discussion events.

Fanny pack, The ready reference

Every reference librarian should wear a fanny pack (or "bum bag" for readers in the UK) filled with office supplies. You never know when a patron will need your professional services to procure a pencil, an ink pen, a highlighter, WiteOut, Post-it notes, a small paper clip, a large paper clip, a 3x5" notecard, a 4x6" notecard, a staple remover, a permanent marker, a pair of scissors, a hole punch, a pencil, a ruler, binder clips, a blank CD, scrap paper, a stapler, a tissue, pain reliever, a Band-Aid, Rolaids, or a condom.

Ask the readers: What else do you carry in your "ready reference" fanny pack?

Women's History Month, Celebrating

March is Women's History Month. Celebrate the accomplishments of women everywhere by making your library's lone male librarian create a book display to mark the occasion.

Reading, Professional

Many library organizational memberships come with complimentary subscriptions to professional library magazines or journals. Pile these publications in a prominent place in your office to give the appearance of being a well-read, up-to-date librarian. By the time you retire, you will have enough issues to build a fortified wall around your desk to protect you from the kind of librarians who actually read those things.

Paralibrarian, Being a

The term "paralibrarian" should never be used to classify your library's paraprofessional staff.  These greedy library staffers already have enough names without having to devalue the education and training required to become a parachuting librarian.

Signs, Making patrons read

Frustrated with patrons who won't read the signs you have hanging throughout your library? Here are some tips...

1. Invest in a newer, bigger, shinier, more colorful sign that reads, "PLEASE READ ALL SIGNS @ YOUR LIBRARY."
2. Subliminally sneak random naughty words into your signs (e.g., "NO porn sex FOOD naked OR DRINKS IN xxx adult THE LIBRARY")
3. Add the following language in small print to the bottom of all existing signs: "Patrons who do not read signs are subject to eye rolls, sassing, or even bodily harm from the librarian on duty."