Skills, Assessing your librarian

Your proficiency as a librarian can be measured solely through your ability to un-jam a printer without getting toner on your hands.

Socialism, Capitalizing on Anti-

Public libraries should capitalize on popular anti-socialist sentiments by using tax-payers' money to offer more "free" books by Ayn Rand, Ronald Reagan, and Glenn Beck for their patrons.

Career Counselor, Being a

As a librarian, you will occasionally be called upon to counsel someone who is interested in joining your noble profession.  Always present librarianship in a positive way to these prospective librarians, and resist the urge to show them your "I ♥ Dewey Decimal" tattoo, your Nancy Pearl doll, or your pay check stub.

Budget, Cutting the

In tough economic times, libraries are often forced to make painful budget cuts.  Too often though, these cuts (layoffs, materials spending, etc.) happen behind the scenes and go unnoticed by library patrons.  Librarians can help their own budget situations by making bold, noticeable budget cuts that are sure to capture the attention of their users.  Some suggestions:

1. Replace compact fluorescent light bulbs with... no light bulbs.
2. Replace photocopiers with volunteer oral historians.
3. Charge $5 per printed page.  (Twenty-page minimum.)
4. Hire volunteer sex-offenders to conduct all story-time and young adult programming.
5. Replace audio-book collection with homeless people who will follow patrons around and read books aloud.
6. Heat the library by burning Bibles.
7. Stop buying vampire novels.

Ask the readers: Do you have other bold ideas?  Let us know in the comments section below.

Flash mobs, Library

The best way to deter a flash mob from taking place in your academic library is to invite students to an official, library-sponsored flash mob.  Announcing it on Facebook, Twitter, and your library blog will drain it of all coolness and make it just as sparsely attended as all of your "local author" book discussion events.

Fanny pack, The ready reference

Every reference librarian should wear a fanny pack (or "bum bag" for readers in the UK) filled with office supplies. You never know when a patron will need your professional services to procure a pencil, an ink pen, a highlighter, WiteOut, Post-it notes, a small paper clip, a large paper clip, a 3x5" notecard, a 4x6" notecard, a staple remover, a permanent marker, a pair of scissors, a hole punch, a pencil, a ruler, binder clips, a blank CD, scrap paper, a stapler, a tissue, pain reliever, a Band-Aid, Rolaids, or a condom.

Ask the readers: What else do you carry in your "ready reference" fanny pack?

Women's History Month, Celebrating

March is Women's History Month. Celebrate the accomplishments of women everywhere by making your library's lone male librarian create a book display to mark the occasion.