Brackets, Filling out

Entertain yourself at work by making tournament brackets in which you pit your library coworkers against one another in fictional battles of competitive nerd-dom (book cart races), physical strength (librarian death matches), and/or interpersonal communication (maintaining eye contact during conversations).

Tweets, Printing your

As many libraries and librarians embrace Twitter as a medium for professional correspondence and writing, they should be mindful to print their Tweets (individually; one per page) for inclusion in performance review portfolios.  Your reviewers will appreciate this documentation and will no doubt reward you for your concise writing style, your conscientious hashtagging, and your prolific professional "conversations" with yourself.

It, Sticking

Your choice of Post-it notes (or their generic counterparts) is essential to intra-library communication.  Choose a size and color for your correspondence that reflects your library personality.  For example:

• Small notes are preferred by Tweeting-librarians.  
• Large, line-ruled pads are used by more "mature" librarians.  
• Pastels are for the meek, mild, and milquetoasts.  
• Neons are used by librarians who are trying too hard to be cool.  
• Pale yellow is reserved for the criminally insane (and/or the budget-restrained). 

Never use pieces of scrap paper and transparent tape to communicate with your library coworkers.  That is just pitiful.

Ask the readers: What kind of Post-its do you use, and what do they say about you?

Skills, Assessing your librarian

Your proficiency as a librarian can be measured solely through your ability to un-jam a printer without getting toner on your hands.

Socialism, Capitalizing on Anti-

Public libraries should capitalize on popular anti-socialist sentiments by using tax-payers' money to offer more "free" books by Ayn Rand, Ronald Reagan, and Glenn Beck for their patrons.

Career Counselor, Being a

As a librarian, you will occasionally be called upon to counsel someone who is interested in joining your noble profession.  Always present librarianship in a positive way to these prospective librarians, and resist the urge to show them your "I ♥ Dewey Decimal" tattoo, your Nancy Pearl doll, or your pay check stub.

Budget, Cutting the

In tough economic times, libraries are often forced to make painful budget cuts.  Too often though, these cuts (layoffs, materials spending, etc.) happen behind the scenes and go unnoticed by library patrons.  Librarians can help their own budget situations by making bold, noticeable budget cuts that are sure to capture the attention of their users.  Some suggestions:

1. Replace compact fluorescent light bulbs with... no light bulbs.
2. Replace photocopiers with volunteer oral historians.
3. Charge $5 per printed page.  (Twenty-page minimum.)
4. Hire volunteer sex-offenders to conduct all story-time and young adult programming.
5. Replace audio-book collection with homeless people who will follow patrons around and read books aloud.
6. Heat the library by burning Bibles.
7. Stop buying vampire novels.

Ask the readers: Do you have other bold ideas?  Let us know in the comments section below.