Quiet, Enforcing

Set up a "quiet zone" in your library for your militant, overly-confrontational, hostility-seeking librarian to patrol.  This librarian-warrior should be provided with camouflaged clothing, a tazer (equipped with a silencer), and an intimidating metal finger guard for extreme shushing.

Green, The wearing of the

Be sure to wear green on St. Patrick's Day.  As you read this, your perverted librarian coworker is wandering the stacks looking for someone to pinch.

Assimilation, Required reading for

College & Research Libraries News should be required reading for every academic librarian as they assimilate into the library workplace.  How else will one learn how to speak, make friends, and "be a person"?

Ask the readers: What other "assimilation" articles would you like to see printed in C&RL News?

Brackets, Filling out

Entertain yourself at work by making tournament brackets in which you pit your library coworkers against one another in fictional battles of competitive nerd-dom (book cart races), physical strength (librarian death matches), and/or interpersonal communication (maintaining eye contact during conversations).

Tweets, Printing your

As many libraries and librarians embrace Twitter as a medium for professional correspondence and writing, they should be mindful to print their Tweets (individually; one per page) for inclusion in performance review portfolios.  Your reviewers will appreciate this documentation and will no doubt reward you for your concise writing style, your conscientious hashtagging, and your prolific professional "conversations" with yourself.

It, Sticking

Your choice of Post-it notes (or their generic counterparts) is essential to intra-library communication.  Choose a size and color for your correspondence that reflects your library personality.  For example:

• Small notes are preferred by Tweeting-librarians.  
• Large, line-ruled pads are used by more "mature" librarians.  
• Pastels are for the meek, mild, and milquetoasts.  
• Neons are used by librarians who are trying too hard to be cool.  
• Pale yellow is reserved for the criminally insane (and/or the budget-restrained). 

Never use pieces of scrap paper and transparent tape to communicate with your library coworkers.  That is just pitiful.

Ask the readers: What kind of Post-its do you use, and what do they say about you?

Skills, Assessing your librarian

Your proficiency as a librarian can be measured solely through your ability to un-jam a printer without getting toner on your hands.