Volume, Pump down the

Never admonish library patrons for listening to their headphones too loudly.  Instead, a librarian should stand beside the offending patron, dance a vigorous MC Hammer dance, and say, "Wow!  I'm really digging that jam!"  Your endorsement will render the patron's coolness null and void, and send him or her running out of the library in embarrassment.

Instruction, Planning for

The more time a librarian spends preparing for a library instruction session, the more disappointed that librarian will be when it doesn't go as well as expected. Spare yourself the time, energy, and frustration by following this lesson plan:  

1. Show up for class ten minutes late.
2. Muddle through a database search on "global warming" (no matter what class it's for).
3. Deride the class for being "a bunch of damn do-nothing millennials."

Dismiss class by abruptly walking out and slamming the door behind you for dramatic effect.

Quiet, Enforcing

Set up a "quiet zone" in your library for your militant, overly-confrontational, hostility-seeking librarian to patrol.  This librarian-warrior should be provided with camouflaged clothing, a tazer (equipped with a silencer), and an intimidating metal finger guard for extreme shushing.

Green, The wearing of the

Be sure to wear green on St. Patrick's Day.  As you read this, your perverted librarian coworker is wandering the stacks looking for someone to pinch.

Assimilation, Required reading for

College & Research Libraries News should be required reading for every academic librarian as they assimilate into the library workplace.  How else will one learn how to speak, make friends, and "be a person"?

Ask the readers: What other "assimilation" articles would you like to see printed in C&RL News?

Brackets, Filling out

Entertain yourself at work by making tournament brackets in which you pit your library coworkers against one another in fictional battles of competitive nerd-dom (book cart races), physical strength (librarian death matches), and/or interpersonal communication (maintaining eye contact during conversations).

Tweets, Printing your

As many libraries and librarians embrace Twitter as a medium for professional correspondence and writing, they should be mindful to print their Tweets (individually; one per page) for inclusion in performance review portfolios.  Your reviewers will appreciate this documentation and will no doubt reward you for your concise writing style, your conscientious hashtagging, and your prolific professional "conversations" with yourself.