Sticks, Carrying big

Every librarian should speak softly and carry a big stick.  This stick can be used to hang newspapers, prod sleeping patrons, or retrieve foreign objects from public toilets.

Yourself, Being

Librarians should not use the library's anonymous "instant message" reference service to get a colleague to do their work for them.  While it might be easy to pass off an emailed reference question or request a copy of a hard-to-find article, your cover will likely be blown when you ask them to write your annual review for you.

Hell, Avoiding

Librarians should try to do good deeds and live good lives. Because Hell, for a librarian, involves working at a reference desk with an endless line of patrons who want to tell you about their family genealogies.

Abstinence, Practicing

Librarians should never have sex.  The world can't handle it.  Plus, your profession needs your resulting sexual frustration channeled towards the uniform placement of call number labels on book spines.

Administrative Professionals, Honoring

Celebrate your library's administrative professionals by having them purchase themselves a "Happy Administrative Professionals Day!" greeting card using petty cash.  Each honoree can then hand-deliver his or her card from office to office collecting signatures from library coworkers.

New librarians, Hazing

When your academic library hires a new librarian, he or she should be subjected to a one-semester hazing period. If wedgies, swirlies, and noogies aren't your style, just have the person conduct all the freshmen tours, record the minutes for your library staff meetings, and tally your five-year backlog of hash marked reference desk statistics.

Ask the readers: Do you have other suggested activities for hazing new librarians? Share them in the comments section below.

Read, Being well-

Use your experience at the library's reference desk to get the pulse of what people are reading.  If you want people to read and cite your writing, consider writing an article entitled, "The Effects of Global Warming on Marijuana Legalization: Can Childhood Obesity be the Next Diabetes for Autistic Serial Killers with HIV/AIDS."  If you can publish this in The Academic Journal -- Scholarly Peer-Reviewed Research Articles, that's all the better.

Note: If you are a desperate undergraduate who stumbled upon this page in a Google search, stop right now and go see your local librarian.