Zombies, Fighting

If your library is invaded by zombies, a librarian should invite them all into the classroom and bore them to death with a lecture about scholarly versus popular periodicals.

Zzzs, Catching some

If you find one of your library coworkers sleeping at his or her desk, just leave them be.  If the librarian doesn't move for five days and begins to attract flies, you may have a bigger problem that will require you to file a work order.

Passwords, Securing

Librarians should secure their patrons' privacy by using a piece of transparent tape to affix sensitive system passwords to the library's reference desk computer monitor.

Privacy, Choosing

Celebrate Choose Privacy Week by giving your library's resident pervert a little extra space to do his thing in the back corner of the public computer lab.

Exams, Final

Academic reference librarians should welcome Final Exams Week by taking a much deserved vacation.  Before you leave though, be sure to hire a monkey who, in your absence, is capable of pointing to the stapler.

Opening, Waiting for an

It is customary to make patrons wait outside until the precise moment your library opens.  As the opening hour arrives, be sure to stand within view of the locked front door and make a big show of watching the clock while you drink coffee, laugh with your coworkers, and animatedly discuss the morning's inclement weather.

Gates, Securing the

Many libraries are equipped with alarmed gates that set off sirens when a patron leaves the building with uncharged items.  It is then up to the librarian to stop the offending patron and administer a humiliating full-body search for the nearly-stolen item.  Some polite strategies for stopping patrons are listed below:

• Repeatedly say, "Sir?  Sir?!  SIR?!" in escalating volumes.
• Throw a foam boomerang at the patron's feet.
• Use a homemade paperclip lasso to rope and hogtie the patron.
• Equip the alarm to trigger a trap door that will dump the patron into an alligator-filled pit.
• Shrug in defeat and let them walk away.

Ask the readers: How do you stop patrons who set off your library's security gate?