Paper, Clipping

Librarians should always keep a stash of paper clips available at the reference desk.  You can use paper clips to...

• eject illegally burned CDs from uncooperative PCs
• perform emergency body-piercings for Goth patrons
• make a chain/lasso for roping unattended children
• create a collapsible ladder for your dramatic escape from the library's roof
• gouge your eyes out after seeing the thing that guy was doing in the stairwell

Diverse populations, Serving

Librarians can overcome language barriers at the circulation desk by answering every foreign language question with the answer, "No!"  And remember, everyone speaks the language of wild, exaggerated hand gestures.

Zombies, Fighting

If your library is invaded by zombies, a librarian should invite them all into the classroom and bore them to death with a lecture about scholarly versus popular periodicals.

Zzzs, Catching some

If you find one of your library coworkers sleeping at his or her desk, just leave them be.  If the librarian doesn't move for five days and begins to attract flies, you may have a bigger problem that will require you to file a work order.

Passwords, Securing

Librarians should secure their patrons' privacy by using a piece of transparent tape to affix sensitive system passwords to the library's reference desk computer monitor.

Privacy, Choosing

Celebrate Choose Privacy Week by giving your library's resident pervert a little extra space to do his thing in the back corner of the public computer lab.

Exams, Final

Academic reference librarians should welcome Final Exams Week by taking a much deserved vacation.  Before you leave though, be sure to hire a monkey who, in your absence, is capable of pointing to the stapler.