Jargon, Avoiding

Librarians should avoid library jargon at all costs.  Using outdated words like patrons, library, catalog, books, circulation, and reading is a surefire way to alienate people who come to your information building to use a findy thing to look for words on paper that they can then take home and view with their eyes.

Stats, Increasing

One measure of a library's effectiveness is its reference desk statistics.  Librarians can increase their stats at the reference desk by:

• replacing the desk's "Information" sign with one that reads, "Free Office Supplies!!!"
• hiring hotter reference librarians
• making the library impossible for lay people to use
• firing all the instruction librarians
• consistently inflating the numbers to make yourself appear more valuable

Ask the readers: How do you increase reference desk statistics @ your library?

Instruction, Rehearsing

Always rehearse your search demonstrations before you go into a classroom so as to avoid stumbling upon any of the nuances and idiosyncrasies that your patrons will actually encounter once they begin their own research.  Taking the time to prepare can spare you the excruciating experience of explaining all the different ways your link resolver sucks.

Paper, Clipping

Librarians should always keep a stash of paper clips available at the reference desk.  You can use paper clips to...

• eject illegally burned CDs from uncooperative PCs
• perform emergency body-piercings for Goth patrons
• make a chain/lasso for roping unattended children
• create a collapsible ladder for your dramatic escape from the library's roof
• gouge your eyes out after seeing the thing that guy was doing in the stairwell

Diverse populations, Serving

Librarians can overcome language barriers at the circulation desk by answering every foreign language question with the answer, "No!"  And remember, everyone speaks the language of wild, exaggerated hand gestures.

Zombies, Fighting

If your library is invaded by zombies, a librarian should invite them all into the classroom and bore them to death with a lecture about scholarly versus popular periodicals.

Zzzs, Catching some

If you find one of your library coworkers sleeping at his or her desk, just leave them be.  If the librarian doesn't move for five days and begins to attract flies, you may have a bigger problem that will require you to file a work order.