Minds, Reading

Beware of fellow librarians who claim to have an omniscient understanding of how patrons think.  This ability to empathize with their users can cause these librarians to overlook the fact that they sound like condescending gas bags when sharing their "knowledge" of a patron's point of view.

Candy, Throwing

Throwing candy to students as an incentive for participating in your library instruction classes gives you, the librarian, an opportunity to showcase not only your library catalog, databases, and facility, but also your glaring lack of athletic ability.

Jargon, Avoiding

Librarians should avoid library jargon at all costs.  Using outdated words like patrons, library, catalog, books, circulation, and reading is a surefire way to alienate people who come to your information building to use a findy thing to look for words on paper that they can then take home and view with their eyes.

Stats, Increasing

One measure of a library's effectiveness is its reference desk statistics.  Librarians can increase their stats at the reference desk by:

• replacing the desk's "Information" sign with one that reads, "Free Office Supplies!!!"
• hiring hotter reference librarians
• making the library impossible for lay people to use
• firing all the instruction librarians
• consistently inflating the numbers to make yourself appear more valuable

Ask the readers: How do you increase reference desk statistics @ your library?

Instruction, Rehearsing

Always rehearse your search demonstrations before you go into a classroom so as to avoid stumbling upon any of the nuances and idiosyncrasies that your patrons will actually encounter once they begin their own research.  Taking the time to prepare can spare you the excruciating experience of explaining all the different ways your link resolver sucks.

Paper, Clipping

Librarians should always keep a stash of paper clips available at the reference desk.  You can use paper clips to...

• eject illegally burned CDs from uncooperative PCs
• perform emergency body-piercings for Goth patrons
• make a chain/lasso for roping unattended children
• create a collapsible ladder for your dramatic escape from the library's roof
• gouge your eyes out after seeing the thing that guy was doing in the stairwell

Diverse populations, Serving

Librarians can overcome language barriers at the circulation desk by answering every foreign language question with the answer, "No!"  And remember, everyone speaks the language of wild, exaggerated hand gestures.

Zombies, Fighting

If your library is invaded by zombies, a librarian should invite them all into the classroom and bore them to death with a lecture about scholarly versus popular periodicals.

Zzzs, Catching some

If you find one of your library coworkers sleeping at his or her desk, just leave them be.  If the librarian doesn't move for five days and begins to attract flies, you may have a bigger problem that will require you to file a work order.

Passwords, Securing

Librarians should secure their patrons' privacy by using a piece of transparent tape to affix sensitive system passwords to the library's reference desk computer monitor.

Privacy, Choosing

Celebrate Choose Privacy Week by giving your library's resident pervert a little extra space to do his thing in the back corner of the public computer lab.

Exams, Final

Academic reference librarians should welcome Final Exams Week by taking a much deserved vacation.  Before you leave though, be sure to hire a monkey who, in your absence, is capable of pointing to the stapler.

Opening, Waiting for an

It is customary to make patrons wait outside until the precise moment your library opens.  As the opening hour arrives, be sure to stand within view of the locked front door and make a big show of watching the clock while you drink coffee, laugh with your coworkers, and animatedly discuss the morning's inclement weather.

Gates, Securing the

Many libraries are equipped with alarmed gates that set off sirens when a patron leaves the building with uncharged items.  It is then up to the librarian to stop the offending patron and administer a humiliating full-body search for the nearly-stolen item.  Some polite strategies for stopping patrons are listed below:

• Repeatedly say, "Sir?  Sir?!  SIR?!" in escalating volumes.
• Throw a foam boomerang at the patron's feet.
• Use a homemade paperclip lasso to rope and hogtie the patron.
• Equip the alarm to trigger a trap door that will dump the patron into an alligator-filled pit.
• Shrug in defeat and let them walk away.

Ask the readers: How do you stop patrons who set off your library's security gate?

Stools, Kick

The perfect gift for a newly minted library school graduate is not a Nancy Pearl doll, a book of temporary librarian tattoos, or one of the wonderful items from the Librarian's Guide to Etiquette online store.  Instead, buy your aspiring librarian his or her own library kick stool to represent the big step they are taking from being "a graduate student" to being "unemployed."

Sticks, Carrying big

Every librarian should speak softly and carry a big stick.  This stick can be used to hang newspapers, prod sleeping patrons, or retrieve foreign objects from public toilets.

Yourself, Being

Librarians should not use the library's anonymous "instant message" reference service to get a colleague to do their work for them.  While it might be easy to pass off an emailed reference question or request a copy of a hard-to-find article, your cover will likely be blown when you ask them to write your annual review for you.

Hell, Avoiding

Librarians should try to do good deeds and live good lives. Because Hell, for a librarian, involves working at a reference desk with an endless line of patrons who want to tell you about their family genealogies.

Abstinence, Practicing

Librarians should never have sex.  The world can't handle it.  Plus, your profession needs your resulting sexual frustration channeled towards the uniform placement of call number labels on book spines.

Administrative Professionals, Honoring

Celebrate your library's administrative professionals by having them purchase themselves a "Happy Administrative Professionals Day!" greeting card using petty cash.  Each honoree can then hand-deliver his or her card from office to office collecting signatures from library coworkers.