'Em, Smoke 'em if you got

If a patron complains about being charged a replacement fee when returning a book that reeks of cigarette smoke, kindly remind them that they can keep the book and use its pages for rolling papers.

Age, Acting your

A librarian should not look at student workers or library pages lustfully.  They do not mean it as a compliment when they call you "the cougar librarian."

Better, Feeling

Upon returning from sick leave, polite librarians should always share graphic descriptions of their ailments with their library coworkers. Always assume that a simple, "How are you feeling?" is actually a request to hear about the consistency of your vomit, see your surgical scars, and/or feel the texture of your rash.

Nights and weekends, Working

The next time you get down on librarianship and start thinking, "I went to graduate school so that I could get a job that requires me to work nights and weekends?!" just remember that you could be working in a fast food joint.

Procrastination (Now!), Stopping

A good librarian will always be on the lookout for his or her colleagues who are prone to procrastination.  Be vigilant as you patrol for the following behaviors @ your library:

• Uncharacteristic desk cleaning / filing
• Sharpening golf pencils for the reference desk
• Repeatedly retyping and laminating one's "To do" list
• Making voodoo dolls out of paperclips
• Policing other people's procrastination

Ask the readers: How do your library colleagues procrastinate at work?

Blame, Generalizing

The best way to correct a fellow coworker's breach of library protocol is to send an email to everyone at your workplace reminding them of the policy that one person violated.  Humiliation is best served passive aggressively. And via mass email.

Shoes, Wearing sensible

A good librarian should always wear sensible shoes.  Be aware though, that sometimes the most sensible choice is a pair of six-inch spiked heels that can be wielded as weapons against obnoxious library patrons or coworkers.