Affection, Public displays of

If you happen upon a couple engaged in sexual activity in the library, always allow them a few minutes to 'finish up' before escorting them from the premises.  This will also allow you, the librarian, some time to quickly assemble some suggested readings, including a collection of love poetry, the Kama Sutra, and an illustrated color atlas of sexually transmitted diseases.

Ratios, Librarian to student

A librarian should never teach a class of twenty-five students to do research.  It is much more rewarding to teach them individually, one hour each, twenty-five separate times at the reference desk.

Calls, Returning

If a patron calls five minutes after the library closes and leaves a long, rambling, desperate voicemail message on your reference desk phone, it is perfectly acceptable to wake the patron with a return call five minutes before the library opens at 7:00 AM.

Teams, Building

Librarians should routinely participate in team-building games with their library colleagues to increase morale around the workplace.  Some suggestions:

• Play "Pin the Security Tape on the Hateful Patron"
• Give one another "Date Due"-stamp tattoos
• Do "trust falls" from the Circulation Desk
• Host a book truck demolition derby
• Play Dodge-Book (i.e., throwing books at one another)

Ask the Readers: What are your suggestions for library-themed team building games?

'Em, Smoke 'em if you got

If a patron complains about being charged a replacement fee when returning a book that reeks of cigarette smoke, kindly remind them that they can keep the book and use its pages for rolling papers.

Age, Acting your

A librarian should not look at student workers or library pages lustfully.  They do not mean it as a compliment when they call you "the cougar librarian."

Better, Feeling

Upon returning from sick leave, polite librarians should always share graphic descriptions of their ailments with their library coworkers. Always assume that a simple, "How are you feeling?" is actually a request to hear about the consistency of your vomit, see your surgical scars, and/or feel the texture of your rash.

Nights and weekends, Working

The next time you get down on librarianship and start thinking, "I went to graduate school so that I could get a job that requires me to work nights and weekends?!" just remember that you could be working in a fast food joint.

Procrastination (Now!), Stopping

A good librarian will always be on the lookout for his or her colleagues who are prone to procrastination.  Be vigilant as you patrol for the following behaviors @ your library:

• Uncharacteristic desk cleaning / filing
• Sharpening golf pencils for the reference desk
• Repeatedly retyping and laminating one's "To do" list
• Making voodoo dolls out of paperclips
• Policing other people's procrastination

Ask the readers: How do your library colleagues procrastinate at work?

Blame, Generalizing

The best way to correct a fellow coworker's breach of library protocol is to send an email to everyone at your workplace reminding them of the policy that one person violated.  Humiliation is best served passive aggressively. And via mass email.

Shoes, Wearing sensible

A good librarian should always wear sensible shoes.  Be aware though, that sometimes the most sensible choice is a pair of six-inch spiked heels that can be wielded as weapons against obnoxious library patrons or coworkers.

Conversation, Making

Librarians should limit themselves to one "cat story" per day to avoid the risk of becoming a bore around the library workplace.  Also, once you are home, limit yourself to one "library story" per day to avoid becoming a bore to your cat.

Grooming, Personal

The reference desk is a great place to catch up on your personal grooming.  If you need to trim your nails, style your hair, apply cosmetics, or pick the remains of lunch from your teeth, wait until you are working at the reference desk.  Please reserve more intimate forms of grooming (like shaving, waxing, plucking, and flossing) for your office or cubicle.

Tact, Having

As a polite librarian, it is your responsibility to tactfully tell your library's male librarian that no one is fooled by his bad toupee.

Thanks, Getting

Always conclude each interaction with a library patron by handing them a "Library Feedback" comment card which you have pre-filled with self-praise documenting what an awesome librarian you are.

Ask the readers: What will you write about yourself on your patrons' "Library Feedback" cards?

Folksy, Being

A polite librarian should always refer to library patrons and colleagues with charming folksy names like darling, buddy, sweetie, sweetheart, champ, sport, honey, tiger, baby, babe, or dear.  Your deliberately calculated efforts to sound like someone's grandmother will be a great complement to your cardigan, your glasses on a chain, and the bowl of hard candy you keep on your desk.

Vacations, Describing

A polite librarian should return from vacation with an intentionally bland description of his or her time away from the library.  No one needs to be teased with thoughts of relaxing on a beach, traveling to foreign lands, or partaking in debauchery-filled adventures.  Instead, spare everyone and say, "I just spent some time at home sewing clothes for my cats and watching reruns of Golden Girls."

Online instruction, Mastering

If you are going to record your library instruction lectures and post them on YouTube, at least spice things up by doing the videos topless.  It won't make your talk any more intelligible, but it'll hold your students' interest and increase your video's view count.

Climate, Controlling the

Every librarian should be armed with a personal space heater beneath and an oscillating fan atop his or her workstation.  These may need to be run simultaneously to satisfy your extreme sensitivity to temperature and the library's nonsensical heating and cooling system.

Manga, Collecting

Comic book-loving librarians should refer to their beloved medium as anime and/or manga.  Doing so will cause your library colleagues to suddenly recognize your interest as a legitimate genre and give you lots of money to build a collection at your library.  If this doesn't work,  you can always return to your strategy of drawing half-naked, doe-eyed Japanese girl samurais and posting them in your cubicle.