Bliss, Avoidance is

It is perfectly acceptable to take long, circuitous routes from point A to point B in your library so that you can pretend you didn't see the entire contents of the children's section dumped in the floor.

Affection, Public displays of

If you happen upon a couple engaged in sexual activity in the library, always allow them a few minutes to 'finish up' before escorting them from the premises.  This will also allow you, the librarian, some time to quickly assemble some suggested readings, including a collection of love poetry, the Kama Sutra, and an illustrated color atlas of sexually transmitted diseases.

Ratios, Librarian to student

A librarian should never teach a class of twenty-five students to do research.  It is much more rewarding to teach them individually, one hour each, twenty-five separate times at the reference desk.

Calls, Returning

If a patron calls five minutes after the library closes and leaves a long, rambling, desperate voicemail message on your reference desk phone, it is perfectly acceptable to wake the patron with a return call five minutes before the library opens at 7:00 AM.

Teams, Building

Librarians should routinely participate in team-building games with their library colleagues to increase morale around the workplace.  Some suggestions:

• Play "Pin the Security Tape on the Hateful Patron"
• Give one another "Date Due"-stamp tattoos
• Do "trust falls" from the Circulation Desk
• Host a book truck demolition derby
• Play Dodge-Book (i.e., throwing books at one another)

Ask the Readers: What are your suggestions for library-themed team building games?

'Em, Smoke 'em if you got

If a patron complains about being charged a replacement fee when returning a book that reeks of cigarette smoke, kindly remind them that they can keep the book and use its pages for rolling papers.

Age, Acting your

A librarian should not look at student workers or library pages lustfully.  They do not mean it as a compliment when they call you "the cougar librarian."