Voice, Mailing your

A polite librarian should help library colleagues keep their overburdened inboxes clean by opting for long, rambling, hyper-detailed voice mail messages in lieu of email.

Books, Burning

Librarians should vehemently oppose book burnings... unless the books are Reader's Digest Condensed Books that have been donated as gifts for your library.

Bliss, Avoidance is

It is perfectly acceptable to take long, circuitous routes from point A to point B in your library so that you can pretend you didn't see the entire contents of the children's section dumped in the floor.

Affection, Public displays of

If you happen upon a couple engaged in sexual activity in the library, always allow them a few minutes to 'finish up' before escorting them from the premises.  This will also allow you, the librarian, some time to quickly assemble some suggested readings, including a collection of love poetry, the Kama Sutra, and an illustrated color atlas of sexually transmitted diseases.

Ratios, Librarian to student

A librarian should never teach a class of twenty-five students to do research.  It is much more rewarding to teach them individually, one hour each, twenty-five separate times at the reference desk.

Calls, Returning

If a patron calls five minutes after the library closes and leaves a long, rambling, desperate voicemail message on your reference desk phone, it is perfectly acceptable to wake the patron with a return call five minutes before the library opens at 7:00 AM.

Teams, Building

Librarians should routinely participate in team-building games with their library colleagues to increase morale around the workplace.  Some suggestions:

• Play "Pin the Security Tape on the Hateful Patron"
• Give one another "Date Due"-stamp tattoos
• Do "trust falls" from the Circulation Desk
• Host a book truck demolition derby
• Play Dodge-Book (i.e., throwing books at one another)

Ask the Readers: What are your suggestions for library-themed team building games?