Observation, The power of

Librarians should assess their own teaching effectiveness by following students into the stacks and watching them search.

Tip jars, Setting out

It is perfectly acceptable for librarians to put out a tip jar at the library reference desk. The daily proceeds can be used to buy one cup of coffee to be shared amongst all of your staff as recognition for a job well done.

Gamy, Smelling

Celebrate the American Library Association's National Gaming Day by spending an entire day playing Minesweeper, Solitaire, or Call of Duty: Black Ops on your office computer.  If your library doesn't endorse the rather obvious arcade-library connection, you can always celebrate by playing mind games with your colleagues and patrons instead.

Ask the Readers: How will you celebrate National Gaming Day @ your library?

Scavengers, Feeding

Upon encountering a swarm of scavenger hunting students at the reference desk, it is entirely appropriate for a librarian to hand each of them a copy of the assignment containing all the answers. The time saved by employing this shortcut can be spent discussing your mutual disgust of the assignment and the instructor who assigned it.

Conferences, Reporting on

Upon returning from a professional library conference, your post-conference report should include at least two things you learned from the experience. For example: 1) Never admit to a room of 450 people that you like the smell of Taco Bell's food. 2) Old people seem to have a lock on the lifetime achievement awards.

Nominating, Self-

Librarians should never nominate themselves for an award or prize even if self-nominations are encouraged. Such egotistical gestures are undignified, vain, and narcissistic. Instead, delegate this task to one of your subordinates.

Closer, Being a good

After the final "We're closing!" announcement is made over the intercom, librarians may dispense of all niceties, break out the riot gear, and forcibly remove patrons from their Farmville games on the library's public computers.

Coffee, Making

Never complain that your library's secretary makes terrible coffee. Instead, fire the secretary and hire a barista.

Introductions, Making

An instruction librarian should walk around the classroom and greet each student individually with a handshake and personal introduction before he or she begins teaching.  This personal touch will make you seem charming to the students, and it will also help fill 30-45 minutes of your lecture time.

Books, Bland

If your library's Banned Books Week display is too racy for your patrons, consider adding a complementary display of Bland Books.

Ask the readers: What would be in your Bland Books display case?

Banned Books, Justifiably

As librarians celebrate intellectual freedom during Banned Books Week, it is important that they also celebrate their right to boldly and unapologetically ban terrible books from their library's shelves.  (Yes, I am talking about you, Harlequin Romance's Stories Set in the World of Nascar.)

Ask the readers: What books do you think should be banned from your library?

Banned Books, Displaying

Never trust a student worker to put together a library display of banned books.  If you do, you'll likely end up with a display of biographies about Lady Gaga and other band books.

Banned books, Showcasing

Librarians should celebrate Banned Books Week by showcasing all the really nasty, perverted sex books they buy for their libraries. You know, the raunchy, titillating ones.  With the photographs.

Ask the readers: What is the nastiest book in your library?

Punctuation, Using

Librarians should celebrate National Punctuation Day by giving all of their punctuation marks the day off

Survive, How to

The best way to make the case that your library is underfunded, understaffed, and overworked is to spend a lot of money, staff, and time producing a YouTube video that explains how busy you are.  If you are successful, maybe your video will result in funding for a key grip librarian.  Or an editor.

Busy, Staying

Win sympathy from your library coworkers by telling them that you are too busy to keep up your blog.  This works best when it is communicated via your Facebook status updates.

Patrons, Photographing

Librarians who invite their patrons to participate in the American Library Association's "Show Us Your Library Card!" photo campaign should be aware that patrons who expect to be photographed and featured on the Internet may show up at your library nude or costumed.

Voice, Mailing your

A polite librarian should help library colleagues keep their overburdened inboxes clean by opting for long, rambling, hyper-detailed voice mail messages in lieu of email.

Books, Burning

Librarians should vehemently oppose book burnings... unless the books are Reader's Digest Condensed Books that have been donated as gifts for your library.

Bliss, Avoidance is

It is perfectly acceptable to take long, circuitous routes from point A to point B in your library so that you can pretend you didn't see the entire contents of the children's section dumped in the floor.