Animated, Being

When interviewing for a library job, applicants should demonstrate their "excellent interpersonal skills" by talking like a robot and gesticulating wildly.

Current, Keeping it

Librarians should expedite the processing of books with short lifespans.  New textbooks, computer software manuals, and anything about social media should be cataloged upon arrival and immediately weeded to make room for something more current.

Up, Catching

Always assume that your library coworkers want the short version of your answer to the obligatory question, "How was your holiday break?"

Some sample short answers that will suffice:

• "Okay."
• "Pretty good."
• "Too short."
• "Kind of sad... my _____ died."
• "I'm an atheist."

Ask the readers: How was your holiday break?

Greetings, Season's

During the holidays, librarians should take precautions to avoid offending their patrons and coworkers with politically incorrect season's greetings.  It is best to avoid anything that could be considered even remotely religious ("Merry Christmas!"  "Happy Hanukkah!) and any politically-charged, potentially inflammatory generic substitutes ("Happy holiday!" "Season's greetings!").  The safest bet is to hide under the reference desk and avoid human contact until January.

Signs, Making readable

When creating signs for their patrons, librarians should be mindful to avoid library jargon.  You can also make a more deliberate attempt to speak your patrons' language by intentionally inserting grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and unnecessary punctuation on your BROKE printers, out of order ELEVATOR'S, and KEEP AT "REF DESK" scissors. 

Ask the readers: What poorly written signs are hanging in your library?

Sweaters, Holiday

A good librarian should have enough appliqued holiday sweaters so that he or she can wear a different one each day from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  If you wear the same Rudolph sweater over and over, you may inadvertently subject your library coworkers to the condition known as festive fleece fatigue.

Pens, Chewing on

If your fellow librarians chew on all the pens and pencils at the library's reference desk, it may be necessary for you to intervene.  The pencil is a gateway drug that can lead to the more costly chewing of keyboards, staplers, and chair cushions.