Restrooms, Gendering

When an androgynous patron asks you to point him or her to the library's restroom, librarians can avoid any awkwardness by...

• Giving them directions to the "family" restroom.
• Saying, "Our restrooms are closed for cleaning."
• Mumbling something about a jammed printer and running away.
• Pulling the fire alarm.
• Handing them a paper cup and saying, "Just use this."

Coffee, Making

A polite librarian should never empty the library's staff coffee pot.  Always leave one half-cup warming so that a coworker can get the pleasure of sifting the burned dregs through her teeth as she makes a fresh pot for you to enjoy.

Animated, Being

When interviewing for a library job, applicants should demonstrate their "excellent interpersonal skills" by talking like a robot and gesticulating wildly.

Current, Keeping it

Librarians should expedite the processing of books with short lifespans.  New textbooks, computer software manuals, and anything about social media should be cataloged upon arrival and immediately weeded to make room for something more current.

Up, Catching

Always assume that your library coworkers want the short version of your answer to the obligatory question, "How was your holiday break?"

Some sample short answers that will suffice:

• "Okay."
• "Pretty good."
• "Too short."
• "Kind of sad... my _____ died."
• "I'm an atheist."

Ask the readers: How was your holiday break?

Greetings, Season's

During the holidays, librarians should take precautions to avoid offending their patrons and coworkers with politically incorrect season's greetings.  It is best to avoid anything that could be considered even remotely religious ("Merry Christmas!"  "Happy Hanukkah!) and any politically-charged, potentially inflammatory generic substitutes ("Happy holiday!" "Season's greetings!").  The safest bet is to hide under the reference desk and avoid human contact until January.

Signs, Making readable

When creating signs for their patrons, librarians should be mindful to avoid library jargon.  You can also make a more deliberate attempt to speak your patrons' language by intentionally inserting grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and unnecessary punctuation on your BROKE printers, out of order ELEVATOR'S, and KEEP AT "REF DESK" scissors. 

Ask the readers: What poorly written signs are hanging in your library?