No, Just say (REVISITED)

A polite librarian should not allow patrons to puncture one another’s feet. Please update your library’s signs to reflect this change in policy.

Praise, Soliciting

Library workers should celebrate National Library Workers Day by subtly explaining to their patrons that today is  National Library Workers Day and that they should probably be grateful and wish their library worker a happy National Library Workers Day.

Endorsements, Celebrity

Librarians should celebrate National Library Week by recruiting celebrities to write op-ed pieces for their local newspapers, to film televised library public service announcements, and/or to star in pro-library YouTube videos. If you don’t have access to a celebrity, it is perfectly acceptable to dress up as one and do the promotion yourself.

Thank you, Saying

Nothing says, “Thanks for covering for me while I was away at a conference” to your library’s staff like a free Innovative Interfaces ink pen/highlighter combo that you pilfered from a vendor booth.

Ask the readers: Do you have a favorite vendor pen? Tell us about it in the comments below.

Colons, The appropriateness of

There is never an appropriate time to discuss your colonoscopy with your library patrons or coworkers. If they are interested, politely direct them to the public photo album you posted on Facebook.

Learning, Active

Instruction librarians should incorporate active learning strategies in their library instruction classrooms.  These are best received if they are somewhat dangerous.

Job descriptions, Going beyond

Librarians should never perform duties that fall outside their official job descriptions unless those duties might encourage patrons to go to the library more.

Popular, Being

Librarians should make pop culture references in library instruction classes to connect with younger audiences.  Today's youth are all about the Lady Gogga, Justin Bibber, and New Jersey Shore, so pretend that you are too.

Video, Going straight to

Librarians should occasionally record video of themselves conducting a reference interview so that they can evaluate and improve their skills at the reference desk. Before you record yourself answering the question, politely ask the patron to wait a moment while you apply your make-up, do a sound check, and take a light reading.

Restrooms, Gendering

When an androgynous patron asks you to point him or her to the library's restroom, librarians can avoid any awkwardness by...

• Giving them directions to the "family" restroom.
• Saying, "Our restrooms are closed for cleaning."
• Mumbling something about a jammed printer and running away.
• Pulling the fire alarm.
• Handing them a paper cup and saying, "Just use this."

Coffee, Making

A polite librarian should never empty the library's staff coffee pot.  Always leave one half-cup warming so that a coworker can get the pleasure of sifting the burned dregs through her teeth as she makes a fresh pot for you to enjoy.

Animated, Being

When interviewing for a library job, applicants should demonstrate their "excellent interpersonal skills" by talking like a robot and gesticulating wildly.

Current, Keeping it

Librarians should expedite the processing of books with short lifespans.  New textbooks, computer software manuals, and anything about social media should be cataloged upon arrival and immediately weeded to make room for something more current.

Up, Catching

Always assume that your library coworkers want the short version of your answer to the obligatory question, "How was your holiday break?"

Some sample short answers that will suffice:

• "Okay."
• "Pretty good."
• "Too short."
• "Kind of sad... my _____ died."
• "I'm an atheist."

Ask the readers: How was your holiday break?

Greetings, Season's

During the holidays, librarians should take precautions to avoid offending their patrons and coworkers with politically incorrect season's greetings.  It is best to avoid anything that could be considered even remotely religious ("Merry Christmas!"  "Happy Hanukkah!) and any politically-charged, potentially inflammatory generic substitutes ("Happy holiday!" "Season's greetings!").  The safest bet is to hide under the reference desk and avoid human contact until January.

Signs, Making readable

When creating signs for their patrons, librarians should be mindful to avoid library jargon.  You can also make a more deliberate attempt to speak your patrons' language by intentionally inserting grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and unnecessary punctuation on your BROKE printers, out of order ELEVATOR'S, and KEEP AT "REF DESK" scissors. 

Ask the readers: What poorly written signs are hanging in your library?

Sweaters, Holiday

A good librarian should have enough appliqued holiday sweaters so that he or she can wear a different one each day from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  If you wear the same Rudolph sweater over and over, you may inadvertently subject your library coworkers to the condition known as festive fleece fatigue.

Pens, Chewing on

If your fellow librarians chew on all the pens and pencils at the library's reference desk, it may be necessary for you to intervene.  The pencil is a gateway drug that can lead to the more costly chewing of keyboards, staplers, and chair cushions.

Thanks, Giving

Librarians should spend their Thanksgiving holidays reflecting on how lucky they are that they graduated and no longer have to complete ridiculous class assignments like those that they encounter daily at the reference desk.

Ask the Readers: What are you thankful for, librarians?

World, Saving the

Some day a college freshman will write a three-page composition paper in which he or she will finally solve the global warming problem. When this day comes, you -- the librarian -- can hold your head high knowing that you helped him or her find the two sources they were forced to cite in their groundbreaking work.