Admiration, Secret

A librarian should never order flowers and have them delivered to him-/herself at the reference desk (unless you want to make your coworkers think that someone actually loves you).

Code, Speaking in

Librarians should remove all printed library signs from their buildings and replace them with QR codes. This will finally get your patrons to notice your library's “No Cell Phones” policy.

Fines, Charging

Librarians should charge overdue fines for readers who don’t return their books on time. This is done not so much to penalize delinquent borrowers, but to raise funds for the library staff’s monthly drunken pizza party.

Ask the readers: What decadent things does your library do with overdue fine revenues?

Snacks, Sharing

A librarian should never bring donuts or pastries to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about their weight problems while eating said donuts or pastries. Also, a librarian should not bring carrots to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about how they’d rather be eating donuts or pastries.

Code, Breaking the

A librarian who wishes to show his/her rebellious side may choose to do so by subverting the library’s employee dress code. Go crazy and wear your garden Crocs at the reference desk instead of your dress Crocs.

Ask the readers: How do you push the limits of your library's dress code?

Up, Cleaning

If someone vomits in a public area of your library, don’t trouble your janitorial staff to clean it up. Simply burn down the building and start from scratch with a new library.

Loyalty, Database

A librarian should never commit to one library database vendor/interface. Eventually that vendor will merge with someone else, leaving you with an outdated Wilson Web logo tattooed on your midriff.