Conferences, Ducking out of

If you are going to skip out on library conference sessions or avoid the event completely, be sure to periodically post generic fake tweets (“Geeze, this conference room is sooo cold!” “Long line at the restroom!” “This session is so interesting!”) from the beach, mall, or bar where you are spending your day.

Leaders, Thought

Some librarians earn the informal distinction as the library world’s “thought leaders” because of their grand ideas and bold visions for the future. Always ask your friends and colleagues to weigh in with their thoughts and opinions about your status as a thought leader before making any such declarations about yourself.

Connections, Making

As you are flying to New Orleans for ALA, be sure to acknowledge your library-brethren/sistren -- the flight attendants. Like you, these kindred spirits teach in small, confined spaces; they express an obvious boredom with teaching the same lesson over and over again; and their lessons are directed to patrons who blatantly ignore them.

For those of you who are not flying to New Orleans, express your camaraderie by handing out packets of peanuts to the students in your library classes.

Interns, Working with

Librarians should always do their best to teach summer interns important transferable life skills while working in the library... like shelf reading, putting newspapers on sticks, and scrubbing the urine from the inside of the after-hours book drop.

Ask the readers: Which jobs do you save for your interns?

Chairs, Pushing in

Librarians should militantly enforce the “pushing in” of recently vacated public chairs in their libraries. As you make your rounds through the library, forcefully bump the chairs against the tables as a passive aggressive warning of your quiet rage for any future potential violators.

Admiration, Secret

A librarian should never order flowers and have them delivered to him-/herself at the reference desk (unless you want to make your coworkers think that someone actually loves you).

Code, Speaking in

Librarians should remove all printed library signs from their buildings and replace them with QR codes. This will finally get your patrons to notice your library's “No Cell Phones” policy.