Theft, Preventing

Librarians will occasionally find themselves needing to stop a patron who attempts to leave the library with an uncharged book. If the security gate chime sounds and your first attempt to get the patron’s attention fails (“Excuse me, sir? Sir?”), you may then resort to the use of lassos, TASERS, and/or throwing stars.

Ask the readers: How does your library stop patrons who set off the security alarm?

E-books, Reading

Librarians can avoid having their e-book reading experiences interrupted by curious passersby by disguising a Kindle to look like a folded newspaper. Alternately, you may print your Kindle books onto paper, sew them together, and hide them between two pieces of leather- or cloth-covered board.

Skills, Refreshing your

All librarians should take advantage of Photoshop training sessions provided by their employers. Nothing looks better on a librarian’s resume than being able to create original LOLcats, fake Ryan Gosling quotes, and glamorously blurred LibGuides profile pictures.

Stereotypes, Perpetuating

Librarians should not perpetuate the “sexy librarian” stereotype... unless they are really, really hot.

Plank, Walking the

If your library coworkers insist on celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day, it is perfectly acceptable to keelhaul them under the library’s bookmobile.

Rules, Enforcing the

All back-to-school library orientation sessions should include video footage of librarians murdering patrons who don’t follow the rules.

Appreciated, Being

A polite librarian should never encourage patrons who are prone to stalking the library’s public service staff. Instead, have those creepy patrons channel their obsessions into nominations for the I Love My Librarian Award. If you win, you can spend the $5,000 cash award to hire a personal body guard to protect you from your nominator.