Parties, Search

A polite librarian should always arm the library’s summer intern with a loaded Camelbak, a survival knife, and a bag of bread crumbs before sending him or her off into the stacks to begin the summer-long quest to find the items on the “lost books” list.

Staplers, Celebratory

In honor of National Library Week, librarians should break out the fancy staplers that are kept in the storage closet for special occasions.

"You're Welcome," Saying

Library workers should celebrate National Library Workers Day by passive aggressively muttering "You're welcome!" after refilling the stapler, unjamming the printer, and unclogging the public restroom's toilet for unthankful library patrons.

Ask the readers: How are you celebrating National Library Workers Day?

Quiet, Peace and

Librarians can avoid confrontations with unruly patrons by offering courtesy earplugs to people who complain about noise. If your library can’t afford to supply all patrons with earplugs, just buy enough for the library staff. Then you won’t hear anyone complaining about the anarchy taking place in your building.

Boredom, Alleviating

If you are bored by your work at the library, spice up your day by reading tweets from other librarians who document their boring workdays on Twitter.

Theft, Preventing

Librarians will occasionally find themselves needing to stop a patron who attempts to leave the library with an uncharged book. If the security gate chime sounds and your first attempt to get the patron’s attention fails (“Excuse me, sir? Sir?”), you may then resort to the use of lassos, TASERS, and/or throwing stars.

Ask the readers: How does your library stop patrons who set off the security alarm?

E-books, Reading

Librarians can avoid having their e-book reading experiences interrupted by curious passersby by disguising a Kindle to look like a folded newspaper. Alternately, you may print your Kindle books onto paper, sew them together, and hide them between two pieces of leather- or cloth-covered board.