Education, Defending your

Librarians should not be vindicitive and cancel subscriptions to magazines that demean the value of their library educations. Instead, a librarian should write a letter to the magazine's editor describing all the non-monetary benefits of the profession. For maximum effect, write your letter with a borrowed pencil on the back of your worthless master's diploma.

Books, Disinfecting

A library’s circulation staff should always be equipped with industrial strength rubber gloves and a holstered can of LYSOL. It is safe to assume that all borrowed books have been read in the bathroom and are covered in your patrons' feces. Spray liberally.

Book carts, Maintaining your

Librarians should have their library book carts serviced annually to keep them in good working order. While it is important to rotate and balance the wheels every 7,000 miles, do not let the service technician pressure you into replacing the wipers or purchasing expensive fuel additives.

Parties, Search

A polite librarian should always arm the library’s summer intern with a loaded Camelbak, a survival knife, and a bag of bread crumbs before sending him or her off into the stacks to begin the summer-long quest to find the items on the “lost books” list.

Staplers, Celebratory

In honor of National Library Week, librarians should break out the fancy staplers that are kept in the storage closet for special occasions.

"You're Welcome," Saying

Library workers should celebrate National Library Workers Day by passive aggressively muttering "You're welcome!" after refilling the stapler, unjamming the printer, and unclogging the public restroom's toilet for unthankful library patrons.

Ask the readers: How are you celebrating National Library Workers Day?

Quiet, Peace and

Librarians can avoid confrontations with unruly patrons by offering courtesy earplugs to people who complain about noise. If your library can’t afford to supply all patrons with earplugs, just buy enough for the library staff. Then you won’t hear anyone complaining about the anarchy taking place in your building.

Boredom, Alleviating

If you are bored by your work at the library, spice up your day by reading tweets from other librarians who document their boring workdays on Twitter.

Theft, Preventing

Librarians will occasionally find themselves needing to stop a patron who attempts to leave the library with an uncharged book. If the security gate chime sounds and your first attempt to get the patron’s attention fails (“Excuse me, sir? Sir?”), you may then resort to the use of lassos, TASERS, and/or throwing stars.

Ask the readers: How does your library stop patrons who set off the security alarm?

E-books, Reading

Librarians can avoid having their e-book reading experiences interrupted by curious passersby by disguising a Kindle to look like a folded newspaper. Alternately, you may print your Kindle books onto paper, sew them together, and hide them between two pieces of leather- or cloth-covered board.

Skills, Refreshing your

All librarians should take advantage of Photoshop training sessions provided by their employers. Nothing looks better on a librarian’s resume than being able to create original LOLcats, fake Ryan Gosling quotes, and glamorously blurred LibGuides profile pictures.

Stereotypes, Perpetuating

Librarians should not perpetuate the “sexy librarian” stereotype... unless they are really, really hot.

Plank, Walking the

If your library coworkers insist on celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day, it is perfectly acceptable to keelhaul them under the library’s bookmobile.

Rules, Enforcing the

All back-to-school library orientation sessions should include video footage of librarians murdering patrons who don’t follow the rules.

Appreciated, Being

A polite librarian should never encourage patrons who are prone to stalking the library’s public service staff. Instead, have those creepy patrons channel their obsessions into nominations for the I Love My Librarian Award. If you win, you can spend the $5,000 cash award to hire a personal body guard to protect you from your nominator.

Zombified, Being

Librarians should allow themselves to be infected by the recent zombie fad in libraries. This can be done on the cheap by having your librarians sit at the reference desk, stare vacantly, and moan for brains.

Ask the readers: How do you infuse zombie culture into your library?

Potluck meals, Contributing to

Librarians should not offer crunched up Snickers bars from the staff vending machine as their contributions to the library staff potluck. If you forget to bring a dish, select the Kit-Kat bars instead.

Eco-friendly, Being

An eco-friendly librarian should use his or her personal work space to collect coworkers' recyclable trash that falls outside the library's limited recycling options. By allowing this garbage to accumulate in your office, you are simultaneously saving the planet and providing an ecosystem for the library's roaches and mice.

Workday, Scheduling your

Librarians should limit noteworthy workplace activities to 30 minutes per day. The rest of the workday should be spent reporting this activity on various online social networks.

[Editor's note: You can now "circle" A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette on Google+. See: http://gplus.to/politelibrarian]

Diva, Being a Pencil

Librarians should be fanatical about their choice of pencils. Whether you prefer the classic feel of a wooden #2 pencil, the silent lead advancement of a .7mm Paper Mate Sharpwriter, or the clicking comfort of Bic’s Bicmatic Grip, insist that your library director cater to your personal writing preferences regardless of the cost.

[Editor’s note: This blog post was first drafted using a gold Montegrappa Alfa Romeo mechanical pencil.]

Ask the readers: Librarians, what is your favorite pencil?