Education, Defending your

Librarians should not be vindicitive and cancel subscriptions to magazines that demean the value of their library educations. Instead, a librarian should write a letter to the magazine's editor describing all the non-monetary benefits of the profession. For maximum effect, write your letter with a borrowed pencil on the back of your worthless master's diploma.

Books, Disinfecting

A library’s circulation staff should always be equipped with industrial strength rubber gloves and a holstered can of LYSOL. It is safe to assume that all borrowed books have been read in the bathroom and are covered in your patrons' feces. Spray liberally.

Book carts, Maintaining your

Librarians should have their library book carts serviced annually to keep them in good working order. While it is important to rotate and balance the wheels every 7,000 miles, do not let the service technician pressure you into replacing the wipers or purchasing expensive fuel additives.

Parties, Search

A polite librarian should always arm the library’s summer intern with a loaded Camelbak, a survival knife, and a bag of bread crumbs before sending him or her off into the stacks to begin the summer-long quest to find the items on the “lost books” list.

Staplers, Celebratory

In honor of National Library Week, librarians should break out the fancy staplers that are kept in the storage closet for special occasions.

"You're Welcome," Saying

Library workers should celebrate National Library Workers Day by passive aggressively muttering "You're welcome!" after refilling the stapler, unjamming the printer, and unclogging the public restroom's toilet for unthankful library patrons.

Ask the readers: How are you celebrating National Library Workers Day?

Quiet, Peace and

Librarians can avoid confrontations with unruly patrons by offering courtesy earplugs to people who complain about noise. If your library can’t afford to supply all patrons with earplugs, just buy enough for the library staff. Then you won’t hear anyone complaining about the anarchy taking place in your building.