ALA, Not attending

If you are not able to attend the American Library Association’s Annual Conference, you may live vicariously through conference tweeters, webinar sessions, and conference synopses on library blogs. Also be sure to treat yourself to a virtual "exhibit hall" experience by wandering through your home library, stopping to have superficial conversations at your coworkers' desks, and then wildly shoving fistfuls of their office supplies into your tote bag.

Name tags, Decorating

It is never polite to ask library conference attendees what insecurities their excessive name tag ribbons are masking.

Marketing, Direct

Libraries shouldn’t waste time updating their Web sites, Facebook pages, and Twitter feeds. If you really want to reach your patrons with important information, write a letter to Dear Abby.

Ask the Readers: What do you want Dear Abby to tell your library patrons?

Education, Defending your

Librarians should not be vindicitive and cancel subscriptions to magazines that demean the value of their library educations. Instead, a librarian should write a letter to the magazine's editor describing all the non-monetary benefits of the profession. For maximum effect, write your letter with a borrowed pencil on the back of your worthless master's diploma.

Books, Disinfecting

A library’s circulation staff should always be equipped with industrial strength rubber gloves and a holstered can of LYSOL. It is safe to assume that all borrowed books have been read in the bathroom and are covered in your patrons' feces. Spray liberally.

Book carts, Maintaining your

Librarians should have their library book carts serviced annually to keep them in good working order. While it is important to rotate and balance the wheels every 7,000 miles, do not let the service technician pressure you into replacing the wipers or purchasing expensive fuel additives.

Parties, Search

A polite librarian should always arm the library’s summer intern with a loaded Camelbak, a survival knife, and a bag of bread crumbs before sending him or her off into the stacks to begin the summer-long quest to find the items on the “lost books” list.