Work, Celebrating library

Library workers should celebrate National Library Workers Day by taking the day off and watching all three The Librarian movies in one sitting.

Ask the Readers: Which of The Librarian movies most represents your experience working in a library: The Quest for the Spear, Return to King Solomon's Mines, or Curse of the Judas Chalice?

Viral, Going

If your library has not produced a [insert meme] video/photo within three days of its inception, you are doing the the profession and the Internet-at-large a disservice.

Readers' advisory, True crime

Always assume that reference desk patrons who inquire about books on serial killers are themselves potential serial killers; spray them in the eyes with mace or pepper spray.

Ignorance, Feigning

Librarians should never admit to liking sports, commercial television, or Oreo cookies. If anyone asks you for your opinion about Oreo’s library-themed Super Bowl commercial, feign ignorance and indignantly claim to have been watching Masterpiece Classic's "Downton Abbey" with a cup of decaf herbal tea.

Internet, Mastering the

Librarians should use their mastery of search algorithms, indexing, and keywords to constantly scour the Internet in search of places to share cat pictures.

Staplers, Honoring fallen

Librarians should observe a moment of silent reflection every time a stapler is broken at the reference desk.

Conferences, Virtually attending

If you are unable to attend the ALA Midwinter Meeting, but still want to experience it virtually, just dim the lights in your office, crank down the temperature to 55 F, and spend the day Tweeting non sequitur notes to yourself (e.g., "Lack of consistency in ebook lending policies," or "I wish they would do something about the temperature in these conference rooms.")