Electronic books, Celebrating

Choke it up. You must become a champion for e-books, no matter how bad they suck and how much you hate them.

Google, Being threatened by

It is your professional responsibility to be threatened by Google. Worry about your job, the future of printed books, and be sure to use the word "googlization" at least once a day.

Note: Patrons will not get the joke when you pretend not to know what Google is.

Scholarly article, Choosing a title for your

Since there is so much dreadful stuff published in professional journals and presented at professional meetings, it's important to come up with a snazzy title for your scholarly endeavors. Below are some general guidelines, presented as potential article titles:

• The colonization of library literature: using punctuation to spice up your article titles.
• Proprefixualization: Using prefixes and suffixes to create new buzz words.
• Misutilization of the word utilize: Mangling the English language in the name of librarianship.
• Bland, boring, and banal: Alliteration as an alleviator for sub-par scholarship.

Recruiting new librarians

It is your responsibility to recruit people to the profession of librarianship. Evangelical librarians can accomplish this task by inflating the inherent coolness of librarianship ("We are defenders of freedom!"), pretending to enjoy professional reading and meetings ("ALA is like Lollapalooza!"), and by lying about how much they enjoy their work (I just read novels all day!").

After all, if we don't see to it that the job market is supersaturated, who will accept those jobs that offer insultingly low salaries?