Alcohol, On consuming during lunch hour

When the local wine store has a free wine tasting, plan your lunch hour around it and suck down as much Jesus Juice as you can before stumbling back to your cubicle. Careful not to have too much (or to have too many Guinness Stouts at the local Irish Pub, for that matter), though, because you might start finding the patrons attractive and make an awkward, drunken pass at them. This might get you fired (or laid, which would be a much better outcome).

Stuff, On taking as much as you can home when things go bad

Once the newness of your library job wears off, and unhappiness starts to set in, quantify your dissatisfaction by taking home anything that is not nailed down to the counters. After something bad happens, like a fight with a co-worker, a freeze on wage increases, your boss is an ass, etc., go to the supply cabinet and take stuff home. Go on, take it. It will make you feel better and really, isn't that what life is all about?

Unexpected, Expecting the

Librarians should not waste time preparing for library instruction sessions. It is a law of librarianship that a teaching faculty member will always ask something random and unrelated of you in the middle of your guest lecture to the class. With little or no warning, you'll be asked to spend 30-45 minutes demonstrating how to do mail merge in Microsoft Word?

Ask the readers: What is the most random, unrelated thing you've been asked to demonstrate on the fly in the middle of a library instruction session?

Whistler, Being a

Do not whistle in your library. No one likes a joyful whistler. If you whistle before 9 a.m., know that your coworkers are plotting against you.

Exceptions include: wolf whistles, whistling to get a subordinate's attention, and chronically congested nasal whistling.

Restrooms, Soliciting in

Do not use foot taps and under-the-stall hand gestures in your library's public restroom to solicit sex from strangers. Do like the rest of us and use the less ambiguous, half-literate wall graffiti to make an appointment.

Student library workers, On feeling their pain

College tuition rates have skyrocketed since you were an undergraduate student...by an exponential margin. Remember to express sympathy to the student workers in your library by saying such condescending things as "I only ate half of my sandwich, do you want the rest?" and "I know your family is near the poverty level because of your tuition here, so would you like to look through this bag before I drop it off at the Salvation Army?" Always make a sad face at the reference desk to imply that you understand how tough these kids have it today. You don't ever want to project the image that you are grossly out of touch with today's youth.

Expert, Becoming an

Develop an area of expertise and see the world on someone else's dime. By becoming an expert on something, you can get yourself invited to be a plenary speaker at library conferences, library school graduations, and circus freak shows.

Editor's note: Unfortunately for the editors of A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette, sarcasm is not a qualifying area of expertise.