Name-Calling, Stopping

In honor of No Name-Calling Week, librarians should refrain from calling their coworkers names. This positive action will help reduce the negative atmosphere perpetuated by all of the bullies, liars, jerks, perverts, weirdos, geeks, and name-callers who work at your library.

Ask the readers: What names will you stop calling your library coworkers for No Name-Calling Week?

Hashtags, Air

Librarians should pepper their face-to-face conversations with air hashtags (similar to air quotes) to simulate discourse in the online environment. Because the American Library Association has been completely silent -- hashtag FAIL -- on developing a standardized air hashtag for professional library discourse, individual librarians are left to choose between the static hand sign and slightly more dramatic hand gesture. Until the ALA makes a recommendation, librarians should choose one air hashtag method and use it consistently. Doing otherwise will make your library colleagues think you are uncivilized.

Animated, Being

When interviewing for a library job, applicants should demonstrate their "excellent interpersonal skills" by talking like a robot and gesticulating wildly.

Folksy, Being

A polite librarian should always refer to library patrons and colleagues with charming folksy names like darling, buddy, sweetie, sweetheart, champ, sport, honey, tiger, baby, babe, or dear.  Your deliberately calculated efforts to sound like someone's grandmother will be a great complement to your cardigan, your glasses on a chain, and the bowl of hard candy you keep on your desk.

Diverse populations, Serving

Librarians can overcome language barriers at the circulation desk by answering every foreign language question with the answer, "No!"  And remember, everyone speaks the language of wild, exaggerated hand gestures.

Assimilation, Required reading for

College & Research Libraries News should be required reading for every academic librarian as they assimilate into the library workplace.  How else will one learn how to speak, make friends, and "be a person"?

Ask the readers: What other "assimilation" articles would you like to see printed in C&RL News?

Morning person, Being a

Being a morning person does not give you the right to talk to your library coworkers before 9:00 a.m. Be courteous and give them some space. Conversations involving database contracts, 856 fields, or Access reports are strictly prohibited until after lunch.

Battles, Email

If you are going to subject your library coworkers to a fiery toned public email battle with another colleague, at least try to make it interesting. Nobody wants to read fifty back-and-forth argumentative emails about your use of the MARC record's 856 field. Consider your audience... use more expletives, insult the other person's cats, and ramp up the obvious sexual tension. Your readers deserve better.

Quotation marks, "Unnecessary"

Forget what you learned in your "grammar" classes... a good librarian will sprinkle quotation marks liberally throughout his or her written and electronic correspondence to give certain words more "emphasis." You can also do this with your verbal communications, though beware of people who may mistake your emphatic gesture for sarcastic "dick fingers."

Emails, Sending flaming

It is generally not acceptable for librarians to send flaming, angry mass emails to their coworkers. Instead, try slapping your coworkers across the face. This direct, personal touch eliminates the electronic paper trail and leaves little room for misinterpretation.

Ask the readers: What inspired the most recent flaming email at your library?

URLs, Sharing

It is incumbent upon you as a good librarian to choke the obnoxiousness out of anyone who attempts to shorten "U-R-L" to "earl" in their everyday conversation. Keep a tight grip. It could take a while.

Close talker, Being a

If you insist on being a close-talker, do your library's patrons and your coworkers a favor and try to have good breath.

Given names, Eschewing

Never let anyone at your library call you by your first name. It is demeaning. You are a librarian and you command respect from both patrons and colleagues. You are a Mr. or a Ms. You should demand that your library’s plastic name tags reflect it.

Nothing stings like having someone call you by your given name as they ask you for directions to the toilet.

Breasts, Looking at

When a fellow librarian tells you about a patron or coworker staring at her breasts, it is thereby acceptable for you to steal a glance at said breasts. But only for a second. Never touch them and say, "These?"

Bowels, Your

Don't be the librarian who continuously discusses your Crohn's Disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and chronic diarrhea with your library coworkers. Keep that shit to yourself.

Devil, Advocating for the

A librarian should realize that the devil has very little concern for the display of the detailed record in the library's online catalog.

While you may be claiming to be the "devil's advocate" in your committee meeting, you're actually just being a cantankerous douche.

Friends, Making

A librarian should never reject the friendship of another person in the social networking Library 2.0 online environment. There are lots of perverts out there who need "friends" too.

Restrooms, Soliciting in

Do not use foot taps and under-the-stall hand gestures in your library's public restroom to solicit sex from strangers. Do like the rest of us and use the less ambiguous, half-literate wall graffiti to make an appointment.

Nemesis, Choosing a

Every librarian should identify a nemesis within their library. This person can bear the brunt of all your frustration, moaning, and general ill will. Think of this colleague, patron, or pesky employee as the mascot for your misery. No search committee required.