Awards, Being nominated for

It is time once again to post the annual “I Love My Librarian Award” call for nominations at your library. Then, just sit back and wait for the hunky UPS delivery man to nominate you. His nomination will be really tender, and he’ll describe how you inspired him to volunteer at the local adult literacy center. After you win, he’ll be the one to deliver your $5,000 cash award. You’ll treat him to a "thank you" cup of coffee in the library cafe, and offer an impromptu invitation for him to join you on your trip to the “I Love My Librarian” awards reception in New York. He'll accept, and the two of you will spend the weekend together in the hotel room... reading, cuddling, and watching Internet cat videos on your laptop. While he is in the shower, you’ll sneak a peek into his open suitcase. Hidden among his folded UPS uniforms, you will see that he keeps a poetry journal. Upon returning home, you will blog about your weekend’s adventures. A publisher will read about your steamy weekend of passion and suggest that you write a book. Your memoir, Fifty Shades of Brown, will be a New York Times bestseller, make millions of dollars, and allow you to tour the world at your publisher’s expense. The book will be selected for Oprah’s book club and made into a movie (with your part to be played by Cate Blanchett). You will move to Paris and learn to speak French.

The nomination deadline is September 12.

Resume, Building your

If you graduate with your Master’s degree in library science but can’t find work as a professional librarian (due to lack of experience), build yourself a miniature library, fill it with your unsold library school textbooks, and appoint yourself “director.”