Monday, July 31, 2006

P.D.A., Engaging in

Hostility between two librarians should always be resolved in a public forum, be it at the reference desk, in a meeting, or in a pay-per-view caged death match. These public displays of aggression (P.D.A.) provide entertaining fodder for your library's gossip mill, and they offer bystanders the chance to root and cheer for their favorite library combatant.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Turnips, Squeezing blood from

A librarian need not make a livable wage to be solicited for money. Should your own library ask you to contribute to an institutional fundraiser, politely decline and offer a gift-in-kind instead. Here are some examples:
  • Leave your fluorescent lights off for the day to conserve electricity
  • Give away all your home-grown zucchini (no one else will take it)
  • Donate the dusty Reader's Digest condensed books in your grandfather's attic
  • Scribble an I.O.U. on the back of a losing lotto ticket
  • Continue to work for a paltry salary

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Interest, Feigning an

A polite librarian will nod and occasionally interject an umm, hmm, or really?! while suffering through a patron's recitation of his or her family genealogy. These proud orations can go on for hours if uninterrupted, so take precautions and situate yourself within reach of a fire alarm.

There is a reason these people hang out at the library all the time: Their families (which can be traced back "to George Washington's brother-in-law!") won't let these insufferable old birds back in the house.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Fresh, Keeping it

Spice up your humdrum library life by getting a fresh haircut, trendy glasses, or a handsome new cardigan every now and then.

And do the same with your library blog or web site. A periodic change of color and/or layout will only make your content seem all the more brilliant.

(Note to readers: This is where you all post and tell us how you liked the old layout so much better ...)

Monday, July 24, 2006

Job listings, On not listing the salary within

If you are an employer looking to staff a vacant library position, make sure that you do not list a salary (or even a salary range!!!) in the job description. Do, however, require that qualified candidates send you his/her salary requirements with the resumé and cover letter. When you interview the candidates for the job, it will be quietly understood that if your salary demands are too high, there's another joker waiting in line behind you who has already low-balled himself enough to undermine your demands. This practice will not only keep librarian salaries low forever, it will ensure your warm special place in hell right next to the asshole who came up with those annoying Chrysler "Dr. Z" commercials.

Vacancies, Filling

There are five basic steps for hiring a new librarian:
  1. Advertise the position
  2. Review applications
  3. Interview candidates
  4. Deliberate over finalists
  5. Offer the position
Be sure to wait 1-2 months between each step of the process so that all your best candidates will have already accepted positions elsewhere. Repeat as necessary.

Your library will eventually hire someone, even if they end up scraping the dregs from the bottom of the unemployment pool.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Incest, Professional

Never date another librarian. It's just sick. Plus the pillow talk would be b-o-r-i-n-g.


Never marry another librarian. Should you manage to reproduce together, your children will be misshapen. If you have no other options, just stay at home with your seven cats.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Paranoid, Being

Don't let your library colleagues (even the cool ones) find out that you have a blog in which you make fun of fellow librarians. Eventually their good senses of humor will give way to gnawing paranoia that will make them think that every new post is about them. Given this post, for once, they might actually be right.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Intercom, Using the library

The library intercom is not a toy. Things to avoid:
  • Paging patrons or coworkers (Perhaps adding a curt, "This isn't Wal-mart," to the requester)
  • Rigging up your iPod to share your love of Neil Diamond with the rest of the library
  • Serenading potential lovers
  • Mass Ssshh!-ing
  • Engaging in hollering contests

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Mass email, Sending

Do not annoy your library coworkers by sending too many mass email messages. Mass emails should be sent sparingly, and only when absolutely necessary.

A librarian should be given a lifetime quota of mass emails (say... 15?) when signing an employment contract at his or her library. Once the quota is reached, the librarian's email account would then auto-delete and the offender would be ejected from his or her chair, out of the library, and into the fiery pits of Hell.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Grandpa-like, Being

When your library's student workers giggle and tell you that you dress like their grandfathers, you should take this as a compliment. Acknowledge the compliment by bringing them hard candy and nickels. They also find it charming when you regale them with stories about the days when InfoTrac was on CD-ROM.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Degreed, Being terminally

The American Library Association's Statement on the Terminal Professional Degree for Academic Librarians reads:
The master's degree in library science from a library school program accredited by the American Library Association is the appropriate terminal professional degree for academic librarians.
... With that said, go get yourself a second master's degree in a non-library discipline. Most academic libraries won't hire or promote you without one.