Place, Knowing your

If a faculty member calls you, a librarian, by the wrong name (Sharon instead of Susan, or Mike instead of Mark) in the classroom, just roll with it. At least they are talking to you and not giving you a wedgie in front of the class. Maybe if you're lucky, they'll even let you carry their books to their next class.

Systems librarians, Being nice to

Be nice to your systems librarians. Not only do they control your Internet access, they also have the power to see how much of your workday you spend watering imaginary plants, shopping for crocheted cat clothes, and looking at food porn.

Sick, Calling in

Take time during your sick day to call your library and ask for yourself using a fake voice. This will not only remind your coworkers that you are ill and deserving of their pity, but it will also make them think that you are in high demand.

Information Commons, Building an

Modernize your library with a new information commons by buying movable modular furniture, specialized computer software, multimedia presentation equipment, etc.

Restricted by a tight budget? Do it on the cheap by renaming your existing computer lab with a hand-scrawled "Information Commons" sign.

Headphones, Lending

If your library lends headphones to patrons, it is important to properly sanitize such equipment between uses. In fact, a new group (The "Equipment for Audible Recordings: Cleaning Resources of User Dander" Committee) should be formed posthaste to develop the appropriate procedures and workflows.

Passwords, Creating

Librarians should secure sensitive information on the reference desk computer with a super-secret password, like: library, reference, reflib, libref, or refdesk. This will throw hackers for a loop, as they will be expecting something much more complicated.

Ask the readers: Share your library's lame reference desk password in the comments below. (Anonymously, of course. Otherwise the hackers might log in and change your library's reference desk schedule.)

Plants, Killing

There is a reason plants won't grow in your library office. Your PowerPoint presentations suck the life out of them.

Viruses, Getting

Computer viruses only attack library computers that are being operated by the elderly, the feeble, and those with weak constitutions. Oh, and perverts. If your staff computer becomes infected, it is best to set it on fire and avoid being identified as one or more of the above.

Snuggies, Wearing

Yes, they make your sweatpants look dressy, but no, Snuggies are never appropriate library workplace attire.

Tools, Emerging

Some librarians believe that "there is a cry for emerging tools" (1:32) rising up from today's library patrons. That cry seems to have been answered.

Names, Dropping

Quote "A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette" in your ALA Midwinter conference presentation, and you'll be entered in a drawing for a free LGTE mug. Send proof of your quotation to polite.librarian@gmail.com.

Not going to ALA Midwinter? Wow, it must suck to be you.

Conferences, Tweeting

Write your twitter name on your ALA Midwinter nametag so that attendees can easily identify fellow library conference tweeters. This will allow for face-to-face tweeting, eliminating the need for awkward eye contact and talking with other humans. #alamw10

Airplanes, Flying on

As you are flying to Boston for ALA Midwinter, be sure to acknowledge your library-brethren -- the flight attendants. Like you, these kindred spirits teach in small, confined spaces; they express an obvious boredom with teaching the same lesson over and over again; and their lessons are directed to patrons who blatantly ignore them.

For those of you who are not flying to Boston, express your camaraderie by handing out packets of peanuts to the students in your library classes.

Tobacco, Disposing of

Please do not spit your chewing tobacco into the library's public restroom urinal. If you need to flush it, swallow it first.

Kindle, Using your

All of your library coworkers resent you for owning a Kindle, and they secretly hope it breaks. If you insist on reading it at work, consider disguising it in a hollowed-out book.

Archivists, Offending

Never refer to an archivist as a "librarian" unless you are looking to insult them. And if that is the case, you might also call their mother a "cataloger."

Groups, Joining

Beware of grouping with other librarians. Your lanyards might get tangled together.

Greatness, Defining

A good librarian will supply the reference desk with a perfectly-sized, uniform stack of call number note slips manually cut from recycled office paper. A great librarian will write an article about how to do it.

Fresh, Starting

Celebrate the new year with a fresh start by painting over all the racist, homophobic graffiti in your library's bathroom stalls. You can discourage the return of crudely drawn genitals and scribbled hate speech by installing a small sign in each stall that reads, "This space is monitored by video surveillance."