Conference, Putting the "er" in

A good librarian will go to library conferences and sit through mind-numbing presentations made by other librarians.  Repeat this mind-numbing ritual over and over again for three solid days, and you will be mentally ready to go back to your job at the library.

Editor's note: Your esteemed editor will be taking a break from the blog to attend the Annual Conference of the American Library Association in Washington, DC.  In the meantime, you can follow your colleagues' notable breaches of library etiquette via Twitter at: http://twitter.com/politelibrarian.

Fluids, Discussing bodily

Librarians should never discuss bodily fluids [including, but not limited to: urine, vomit, earwax, gastric juice, breast milk, mucus, phlegm, pus, saliva, sebum, semen, snot, vaginal secretions, sweat, tears, amniotic fluid, diarrhea, smegma, and blood] in the library work place... unless those fluids are found on recently-returned library books.

Music, Your choice of

Polite librarians know that their officemates hate their choice of low-playing music in the library workplace. If you insist on playing music in your office space, choose something that you both hate so that you can ridicule it together.

Ask the readers: What is the worst music you have had to endure in your library?

Sinus, Bathing your

A polite librarian will never use his or her neti pot in the library's breakroom sink, in a public restroom, or at a drinking fountain.  If your patrons or coworkers want to watch you give yourself a nasal enema, they can look you up on YouTube.

Classrooms, Organic

Teaching librarians who don't like to do lesson planning should elect to let their classes sessions "grow organically." This can be done by arranging your students into rows, turning on a heated projector lamp, and feeding them some shit that you make up on the fly. If the students begin to wilt, allow them to take a water break, and then re-fertilize.

Green, Going

All good librarians should try to out-green their coworkers with increasingly aggressive attempts to make their library work spaces environmentally friendly.  Below are some ideas to get you started...

• Publicly berate coworkers for not using double-sided printing.
• Go "off the grid" and cut the power lines that lead to your library building.
• Hoard empty soda cans and discarded beer bottles in your office and declare the area an "Ant Sanctuary."
• Steal your coworkers' discarded apple cores and banana peels for the fly-infested compost pile you keep under your desk.
• Turn off the lights in the reading room, and demand that all patrons purchase library-issued solar-powered light caps.

Ask the readers: What aggressive green tips do you use at your library?

Schlepping, Stylishly

A librarian should use a square-bottomed, post-consumer recycled Trader Joe's grocery tote as a briefcase or purse.  It is large enough to hold your knitting, your book, your laptop, your cats, and your enormous lack of fashion sense.

Interviews (Women), Dressing for

When dressing for a library job interview, a female candidate should always match her twinset to her socks. (The latter will show through your dressy work Crocs).

Ask the readers: What do you think female librarians should wear to a library job interview?

Interviews (Men), Dressing for

When dressing for a library job interview, male candidates should wear one, and no more than one, of the following items to increase their chances of landing the position:

• a book- or literature-themed necktie
• a cell phone on your belt
• a kilt
• a porn mustache
• your LARP costume

Choose wisely, and good luck!

Ask the readers: What do you think male librarians should wear to a library job interview?

Talk, Girl

Librarians should feel free to casually discuss menstrual cycles, menopause, and feminine hygiene/grooming around the library workspace.  Don't worry about scandalizing your library's male librarian.  He had his testicles removed as part of library school "orientation."

Military, Going

Librarians should embrace their inner drill sergeants and become "information warriors" in the library instruction classroom.  Knit yourself a camouflaged cardigan, convert your classroom into a bibliographic boot camp, and put in a work order to have your bookmobile converted into a tank.

Success, Dressing for

Your library coworkers maintain a spreadsheet documenting how often you wear your favorite outfit, and so should you.

Humiliation, Feeling

A librarian should never allow her-/himself to be videotaped while dancing and singing about libraries.  Find the part of yourself that says, "This will be cute!" and remove it from your body with a dull letter opener.