Bite, Letting the bedbugs

The best way to keep your library from becoming infested with bedbugs is to burn the building to the ground and invest all the insurance money into your e-book collection.

Teens, Books and

Librarians can play a pivotal role in getting more teens to like books by redefining video games as "books."

Books, Disinfecting

A library’s circulation staff should always be equipped with industrial strength rubber gloves and a holstered can of LYSOL. It is safe to assume that all borrowed books have been read in the bathroom and are covered in your patrons' feces. Spray liberally.

Parties, Search

A polite librarian should always arm the library’s summer intern with a loaded Camelbak, a survival knife, and a bag of bread crumbs before sending him or her off into the stacks to begin the summer-long quest to find the items on the “lost books” list.

Current, Keeping it

Librarians should expedite the processing of books with short lifespans.  New textbooks, computer software manuals, and anything about social media should be cataloged upon arrival and immediately weeded to make room for something more current.

Observation, The power of

Librarians should assess their own teaching effectiveness by following students into the stacks and watching them search.

Books, Burning

Librarians should vehemently oppose book burnings... unless the books are Reader's Digest Condensed Books that have been donated as gifts for your library.

Affection, Public displays of

If you happen upon a couple engaged in sexual activity in the library, always allow them a few minutes to 'finish up' before escorting them from the premises.  This will also allow you, the librarian, some time to quickly assemble some suggested readings, including a collection of love poetry, the Kama Sutra, and an illustrated color atlas of sexually transmitted diseases.

'Em, Smoke 'em if you got

If a patron complains about being charged a replacement fee when returning a book that reeks of cigarette smoke, kindly remind them that they can keep the book and use its pages for rolling papers.

Fluids, Discussing bodily

Librarians should never discuss bodily fluids [including, but not limited to: urine, vomit, earwax, gastric juice, breast milk, mucus, phlegm, pus, saliva, sebum, semen, snot, vaginal secretions, sweat, tears, amniotic fluid, diarrhea, smegma, and blood] in the library work place... unless those fluids are found on recently-returned library books.

Discreet, Being

A polite circulation librarian should always repeat the name of the patron's book aloud at the conclusion of a library check-out transaction.  By loudly saying, "I hope you enjoy An Idiot's Guide to Do-It-Yourself Colonoscopies, Ms. Johnson," you will not only confirm your patron's book selection, but also send the patron away with a personal touch they won't likely forget.

Reading, Popular

Labeling a shelf the "popular" reading shelf, does not necessarily make it popular. If you want your library's bookshelves to be popular, stock them with smutty magazines, the illustrated Kama Sutra, Lost Girls, The Anarchist's Cookbook, and free candy. Oh, and anything involving vampires.

In, Blending

Librarians should not wear clothes with pictures of books on them. This "library-camouflage" may hide you as you wander in the stacks, but it makes you a target for nerdhunters as soon as you walk out the library's front door.

Spelling, Checking your

Always double-, triple-, and quadruple-check your spelling before posting flyers, web pages, and other advertisements for your library's special events. Otherwise you might be surprised by the clientele at your library's midnight Hairy Pooter release party.