Banned books, Celebrating

A good librarian will celebrate freedom of information and the diversity of ideas by celebrating Banned Books Week at the library. The best way to do this is to round up all the really nasty books in your library and lock them all up in a glass display case.

Affirmations, Daily

Librarians should puff up their self esteem by reciting daily professionally-self-righteous affirmations, like...

• I promote literacy
• I support free speech
• I am an advocate for communities
• I am a defender of civil liberties
• I am an educator

Reminding yourself of your professional nobility will make you feel better about pissing away the afternoon reading blogs and goofing on Facebook.

Ask the readers: Share your own self-righteous library affirmations in the comments below.

Candy, Keeping

A good librarian will always keep a dish of jelly beans around for those occasions when a coworker will bring their kids or grandkids by the office. The kids will like you and remember you if you feed them sugary treats. If, by chance, you don't like kids, just lace the jelly beans with poison.

Emails, Sending flaming

It is generally not acceptable for librarians to send flaming, angry mass emails to their coworkers. Instead, try slapping your coworkers across the face. This direct, personal touch eliminates the electronic paper trail and leaves little room for misinterpretation.

Ask the readers: What inspired the most recent flaming email at your library?

Assignments, Writing Library

Librarians should make the instructions on library assignments as excruciatingly detailed as possible. Always assume that your students are mentally retarded and require phonetic spelling of big words like pir-e-ah-deh-kul and mi-kro-film.