Out, Burning

Librarians should be weary of being too good at their jobs. The momentary high that comes with exercising your innovations, creativity, efficiency, and skill will only be followed by a deep dive into bitterness and cynicism. So skip all the hard work and join your miserable coworkers now in the professional funk that is librarianship.

Luddite, Being the Library's

Every library needs a luddite librarian. If your library doesn't have one, feel free to assume this role. Don't turn on your computer for weeks at a time, shun the online catalog, and fight tooth and nail to retain subscriptions to the paper periodical indexes.

Breaks, Taking long

Treat your library job much like you treat your blog: take long, unannounced breaks and see if anyone even notices that you're not contributing.

Conference presentations, Proposing

When proposing a library conference presentation, it is important to explore a provocative topic that examines interesting new territory and/or challenges professional ideas and practices.

Can't think of one? No problem! Just use the following template to create the title of your very own presentation:

Bringing __________ ...

• information literacy
• the "long tail"
• an alternative to Google
• Library 2.0

... to __________ ...

• NExTGen
• DotNet
• Gen Y
• Millennials

... students with __________ .

• podcasting
• blogs
• MySpace
• rss feeds

If you can also sprinkle the words folksonomy, collabulary, and blogosphere into your title, the conference planners have no choice but to accept your proposal. Start practicing, and good luck!

Heat, Beating the

A librarian will occasionally find him- or herself feeling a bit salty due to an oppressive heat wave, global warming, or a piss-poor HVAC system. Keep yourself fresh and clean by periodically sponging off in the library's public restroom. Though the water is sometimes colder, one should never conduct one of these "whore's baths" at a public drinking fountain.

Librarian, Becoming a

Contrary to what some naive and enthusiastic recent library school graduates might think, one does not actually become a librarian until one gets a job as a librarian. When you graduate from library school, you are not a librarian with a job as a custodian. You are a custodian with a library degree.

Bona fied librarians should take it upon themselves to rub this painful realization in the face of any recent library school graduates on their library's staff... right after offering congratulations on their achievement.

Usurped, Being

When a funny new librarian joins your library's staff and usurps your role as "funniest librarian," don't despair. Instead, look for a new role to embrace. Perhaps you could become known around your library as ...

• the pitiful librarian
• the fat librarian
• the lush
• the Chester Cheetah-impersonating librarian
  
• the funniest second-funniest librarian ever
  

Family, Describing coworkers as

Be wary of referring to your library coworkers as your "library family," even if you do have librarians who fit the description of the deadbeat dad, the overbearing guilt-wielding mother, the retarded younger brother, the slutty sister, the religious zealot aunt, the drunk uncle, the weird brainiac cousin, the reclusive teenage brother, the nihilist goth son, the over-achieving daughter, the senile grandmother, the grandfather who won't turn up his hearing aid, the trying-too-hard-to-be-cool step-dad, the computer geek nephew, the hypochondriac niece, and the toddler who's always crying.

Alpha-librarian, Being the

Demonstrate your dominance over your library coworkers by interrupting while others are speaking, sending frequent mass emails, and calling more meetings than your peers. Should any of your colleagues deny your superiority, you may find it necessary to mount them at the reference desk.