Quotation marks, "Unnecessary"

Forget what you learned in your "grammar" classes... a good librarian will sprinkle quotation marks liberally throughout his or her written and electronic correspondence to give certain words more "emphasis." You can also do this with your verbal communications, though beware of people who may mistake your emphatic gesture for sarcastic "dick fingers."

Meetings, Filibustering in

By learning Robert's Rules of Order and enforcing them in library-related meetings, a good librarian can act as parliamentarian and either a) learn to filibuster bad ideas and delay implementation with procedural motions, second readings, and votes or b) be totally obnoxious and get un-invited from future meetings.

Ask the readers: The editors will now accept motions from the floor (e.g., "I hereby move that...")

Vendors, Hating

Librarians should not hate library database vendors. Yes, they dress better than you and they get paid more than you, but they are miserable soulless people who deserve your compassion. Plus, they give you free ink pens.

Webinars, Library

Every time a librarian uses the word webinar, a little piece of his or her soul dies.