Conferences, Reporting on

Upon returning from a professional library conference, your post-conference report should include at least two things you learned from the experience. For example: 1) Never admit to a room of 450 people that you like the smell of Taco Bell's food. 2) Old people seem to have a lock on the lifetime achievement awards.

Nominating, Self-

Librarians should never nominate themselves for an award or prize even if self-nominations are encouraged. Such egotistical gestures are undignified, vain, and narcissistic. Instead, delegate this task to one of your subordinates.

Closer, Being a good

After the final "We're closing!" announcement is made over the intercom, librarians may dispense of all niceties, break out the riot gear, and forcibly remove patrons from their Farmville games on the library's public computers.

Coffee, Making

Never complain that your library's secretary makes terrible coffee. Instead, fire the secretary and hire a barista.

Introductions, Making

An instruction librarian should walk around the classroom and greet each student individually with a handshake and personal introduction before he or she begins teaching.  This personal touch will make you seem charming to the students, and it will also help fill 30-45 minutes of your lecture time.