Viral, Going

If your library has not produced a [insert meme] video/photo within three days of its inception, you are doing the the profession and the Internet-at-large a disservice.

Readers' advisory, True crime

Always assume that reference desk patrons who inquire about books on serial killers are themselves potential serial killers; spray them in the eyes with mace or pepper spray.

Ignorance, Feigning

Librarians should never admit to liking sports, commercial television, or Oreo cookies. If anyone asks you for your opinion about Oreo’s library-themed Super Bowl commercial, feign ignorance and indignantly claim to have been watching Masterpiece Classic's "Downton Abbey" with a cup of decaf herbal tea.