Conferences, Drinking at

Sitting through a day of presentations with other librarians can drive a person to drink. When you go to a professional library conference, you should spend your evenings binge drinking and being obnoxious with other librarians in the hotel bar. If there's anything more exciting than forgetting that you're an adult and reverting to your oh-so-attractive, old college self, it's spending your down time with more librarians. Be sure to use all your outdated college slang (e.g., "I wanna get smashed!") to make it that much more obvious that you don't get out much.

Windows environment, On pretending to understand fully

There's nothing cool about knowing too much about computers and technology (despite living in the so-called 'information age'). Make sure you avoid becoming a nerd by purposely not updating your technology skills. Remember that you can always make yourself a huge frigging burden by relying on the younger members of your staff to get you by when you need to learn how to email an Excel spreadsheet or to bookmark your favorite websites. Seriously, you're only 10 years from retirement, so you can start phoning it in now. The rest of us don't mind one bit.

Fall, Ahh...

Fall is in the air. Time to break out those cardigans!

Manilla folders, Carrying

Always carry a manilla folder with you everywhere you go. In this folder, have a print-out of a spreadsheet. Any spreadsheet will do, but it helps if it has a call number or two on it. When the library director busts you as you're wandering the stacks with your cup of coffee, produce the manilla folder, pull a random book from the shelf, check your spreadsheet, and replace the book. "Everything's fine here!"

Manilla folders are also valuable when you get busted sitting in someone else's office gossiping, trading advice about job offers, or just catching up on one another's weekends. As the boss passes by, say, "I'd tweak the numbers a bit and see if you can't make those figures match up," then pass the folder to your accomplice.

Never underestimate the power of a manilla folder.

Inappropriate jargon, On using constantly

Only use jargon from a different profession if it will cause hilarity to ensue. Be aware that using said jargon inappropriately could cause psychological fatigue and all-around bad will between members of your office. For example, many bosses use the term 'E.T.A.' which is taken from the police phrase 'estimated time of arrival.' If you are an actual member of your local police, fire, or military unit, it is totally appropriate to use this phrase. However, library managers, should never try to be cute (or, shockingly, in some cases they try to project some semblance of power) by misusing such a phrase. When the boss goes 'what is your E.T.A. on that project for the board meeting?' you have every right to snort sarcastically in the boss' direction. Seriously, E.T.A? W.T.F.?!?!? And if your boss ever tells you to do something 'stat', then you've earned the right to throw something hard in his/her direction. That's just going too far.

Stock Market, Playing heavily in

Educate yourself on personal finance during company time as much as possible. Play the stock market heavily, taking as much risk as possible to earn the highest potential yield. It also wouldn't hurt to get some OTB action or to head down to the dog tracks during your lunch break. And don't forget the roullette tables in Vegas. Bet it all on your lucky number. Eventually, you'll have enough cash to quit your personal slice of hell known as your job at the library. God that day can't come soon enough.

Restroom floor, Library materials found in the

Any book, periodical, etc. found in the restroom floor should be left untouched. Simply go back to your office, create a new location in the catalog for "Second Floor Men's Room," and update the record for the item to reflect its new location.

People magazine, I can understand. Sports Illustrated? Okay. But why the Dictionary of Medical Acronyms and Abbreviations? Or maybe it's best not to know.