Tact, Having

As a polite librarian, it is your responsibility to tactfully tell your library's male librarian that no one is fooled by his bad toupee.

Thanks, Getting

Always conclude each interaction with a library patron by handing them a "Library Feedback" comment card which you have pre-filled with self-praise documenting what an awesome librarian you are.

Ask the readers: What will you write about yourself on your patrons' "Library Feedback" cards?

Folksy, Being

A polite librarian should always refer to library patrons and colleagues with charming folksy names like darling, buddy, sweetie, sweetheart, champ, sport, honey, tiger, baby, babe, or dear.  Your deliberately calculated efforts to sound like someone's grandmother will be a great complement to your cardigan, your glasses on a chain, and the bowl of hard candy you keep on your desk.

Vacations, Describing

A polite librarian should return from vacation with an intentionally bland description of his or her time away from the library.  No one needs to be teased with thoughts of relaxing on a beach, traveling to foreign lands, or partaking in debauchery-filled adventures.  Instead, spare everyone and say, "I just spent some time at home sewing clothes for my cats and watching reruns of Golden Girls."

Online instruction, Mastering

If you are going to record your library instruction lectures and post them on YouTube, at least spice things up by doing the videos topless.  It won't make your talk any more intelligible, but it'll hold your students' interest and increase your video's view count.

Climate, Controlling the

Every librarian should be armed with a personal space heater beneath and an oscillating fan atop his or her workstation.  These may need to be run simultaneously to satisfy your extreme sensitivity to temperature and the library's nonsensical heating and cooling system.

Manga, Collecting

Comic book-loving librarians should refer to their beloved medium as anime and/or manga.  Doing so will cause your library colleagues to suddenly recognize your interest as a legitimate genre and give you lots of money to build a collection at your library.  If this doesn't work,  you can always return to your strategy of drawing half-naked, doe-eyed Japanese girl samurais and posting them in your cubicle.

Language, Emerging

If your library colleagues tire of hearing you talk about Web 2.0 tools at your library, switch things up and start referring to the same tools as "emerging technologies."  This can buy you up to two more weeks of being the Facebook librarian.

Vampire Lovers, Slaying

If a library colleague goes overboard with his or her love of vampire novels, it is your responsibility to stab that person through the heart with a wooden newspaper stick.

Conferences, Returning from

Upon returning from a professional library conference, your post-conference report should include more than a list of restaurants you visited and a random collection of vendor brochures.  Also leave out the part about waking up in an alley nine days after the conference officially ended.