Diva, Being a Pencil

Librarians should be fanatical about their choice of pencils. Whether you prefer the classic feel of a wooden #2 pencil, the silent lead advancement of a .7mm Paper Mate Sharpwriter, or the clicking comfort of Bic’s Bicmatic Grip, insist that your library director cater to your personal writing preferences regardless of the cost.

[Editor’s note: This blog post was first drafted using a gold Montegrappa Alfa Romeo mechanical pencil.]

Ask the readers: Librarians, what is your favorite pencil?

Conferences, Ducking out of

If you are going to skip out on library conference sessions or avoid the event completely, be sure to periodically post generic fake tweets (“Geeze, this conference room is sooo cold!” “Long line at the restroom!” “This session is so interesting!”) from the beach, mall, or bar where you are spending your day.

Leaders, Thought

Some librarians earn the informal distinction as the library world’s “thought leaders” because of their grand ideas and bold visions for the future. Always ask your friends and colleagues to weigh in with their thoughts and opinions about your status as a thought leader before making any such declarations about yourself.

Connections, Making

As you are flying to New Orleans for ALA, be sure to acknowledge your library-brethren/sistren -- the flight attendants. Like you, these kindred spirits teach in small, confined spaces; they express an obvious boredom with teaching the same lesson over and over again; and their lessons are directed to patrons who blatantly ignore them.

For those of you who are not flying to New Orleans, express your camaraderie by handing out packets of peanuts to the students in your library classes.

Interns, Working with

Librarians should always do their best to teach summer interns important transferable life skills while working in the library... like shelf reading, putting newspapers on sticks, and scrubbing the urine from the inside of the after-hours book drop.

Ask the readers: Which jobs do you save for your interns?

Chairs, Pushing in

Librarians should militantly enforce the “pushing in” of recently vacated public chairs in their libraries. As you make your rounds through the library, forcefully bump the chairs against the tables as a passive aggressive warning of your quiet rage for any future potential violators.

Admiration, Secret

A librarian should never order flowers and have them delivered to him-/herself at the reference desk (unless you want to make your coworkers think that someone actually loves you).

Code, Speaking in

Librarians should remove all printed library signs from their buildings and replace them with QR codes. This will finally get your patrons to notice your library's “No Cell Phones” policy.

Fines, Charging

Librarians should charge overdue fines for readers who don’t return their books on time. This is done not so much to penalize delinquent borrowers, but to raise funds for the library staff’s monthly drunken pizza party.

Ask the readers: What decadent things does your library do with overdue fine revenues?

Snacks, Sharing

A librarian should never bring donuts or pastries to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about their weight problems while eating said donuts or pastries. Also, a librarian should not bring carrots to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about how they’d rather be eating donuts or pastries.

Code, Breaking the

A librarian who wishes to show his/her rebellious side may choose to do so by subverting the library’s employee dress code. Go crazy and wear your garden Crocs at the reference desk instead of your dress Crocs.

Ask the readers: How do you push the limits of your library's dress code?

Up, Cleaning

If someone vomits in a public area of your library, don’t trouble your janitorial staff to clean it up. Simply burn down the building and start from scratch with a new library.

Loyalty, Database

A librarian should never commit to one library database vendor/interface. Eventually that vendor will merge with someone else, leaving you with an outdated Wilson Web logo tattooed on your midriff.

Reference desk, Reinventing the

Libraries should abandon their stuffy old reference desks and seek more creative ways to reach their patrons. Who needs a reference desk when you can have roving librarians wearing “info vests,” riding a “biblio buggy,” or working from a “rolling reference ‘un-desk’”? (Can’t afford a biblio buggy, try the “biblio buggy lite.”)

Ask the readers: How would you reinvent the reference desk at your library?