Potluck meals, Contributing to

Librarians should not offer crunched up Snickers bars from the staff vending machine as their contributions to the library staff potluck. If you forget to bring a dish, select the Kit-Kat bars instead.

Snacks, Sharing

A librarian should never bring donuts or pastries to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about their weight problems while eating said donuts or pastries. Also, a librarian should not bring carrots to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about how they’d rather be eating donuts or pastries.

Yums, Yucking

The best birthday gift you can give a library coworker is to refrain from discussing your Irritable Bowel Syndrome, food allergies, eating disorders, and/or vegetarianism during her office birthday lunch outing.

Law, Being above the

As a librarian, you have the authority to flagrantly disobey your library's food and drink policy. Have pizzas delivered to the circulation desk, answer reference questions while gnawing on a fried chicken leg, and shelve books while eating cotton candy. No librarian should ever have to go hungry while vigilantly enforcing the library's prohibitions on bottled water.

Snacks, Squirreling

During the cold winter months, librarians will sometimes deplete their stores of office snacks, frozen Weight Watchers meals, and vending machine fare at their libraries. Should the need arise, you may turn your computer keyboard upside down, shake it, and find a full meal of granola, muffin crumbs, and M&Ms Minis.

Staff break room, Using the

Feel free to leave expired dairy products, decomposing produce, and months-old Mexican leftovers in the library’s staff refrigerator. Leave exploded gravy from your frozen Lean Cuisine lunch to dry on the interior walls of the staff microwave. Leave empty ice trays and dirty coffee mugs in the library’s break room sink for someone else to wash.

But never allow a patron to bring food or drink into the library. Patrons are filthy, dirty people.

Potluck lunch, Celebrating with a

Librarians should celebrate the holiday season with an office potluck lunch. Nothing honors the baby Jesus's birth like a lukewarm casserole.