Librarian, You're a grand old

A newly hired librarian should spent part of his or her very first library paycheck to purchase a cat flag for every month of the year. Fly them proudly at your work space, and forever in peace may they wave.

Harassment, Avoiding

It is never appropriate to call a fellow librarian a "pussy." Even if he does wear bow ties to work.

Clothing, Matching your coworkers'

If you and another library colleague arrive at work wearing remarkably similar outfits, you both automatically qualify for a one-time $500 wardrobe bonus and a paid "shopping day."

Editor's note: To claim this offer, just print this page and give it to your immediate library supervisor.

Leave, Returning from

Nothing says "Welcome back from your extended leave of absence!" like finding your desk covered with months of unopened library mail, an inbox filled with 8,013 unread emails, and Gary the intern drinking from your Crazy Cat Lady mug.

Earth, Saving the

Librarians should celebrate Earth Day by unplugging their libraries' electric staplers.

Bookmobiles, Celebrating

Librarians should celebrate National Bookmobile Day by going for a joyride in the library's bookmobile. If your library doesn't own a bookmobile, go for a joyride through the reference room on a fully loaded book cart.

Work, Celebrating library

Library workers should celebrate National Library Workers Day by taking the day off and watching all three The Librarian movies in one sitting.

Ask the Readers: Which of The Librarian movies most represents your experience working in a library: The Quest for the Spear, Return to King Solomon's Mines, or Curse of the Judas Chalice?

Viral, Going

If your library has not produced a [insert meme] video/photo within three days of its inception, you are doing the the profession and the Internet-at-large a disservice.

Readers' advisory, True crime

Always assume that reference desk patrons who inquire about books on serial killers are themselves potential serial killers; spray them in the eyes with mace or pepper spray.

Ignorance, Feigning

Librarians should never admit to liking sports, commercial television, or Oreo cookies. If anyone asks you for your opinion about Oreo’s library-themed Super Bowl commercial, feign ignorance and indignantly claim to have been watching Masterpiece Classic's "Downton Abbey" with a cup of decaf herbal tea.

Internet, Mastering the

Librarians should use their mastery of search algorithms, indexing, and keywords to constantly scour the Internet in search of places to share cat pictures.

Staplers, Honoring fallen

Librarians should observe a moment of silent reflection every time a stapler is broken at the reference desk.

Conferences, Virtually attending

If you are unable to attend the ALA Midwinter Meeting, but still want to experience it virtually, just dim the lights in your office, crank down the temperature to 55 F, and spend the day Tweeting non sequitur notes to yourself (e.g., "Lack of consistency in ebook lending policies," or "I wish they would do something about the temperature in these conference rooms.")

Name-Calling, Stopping

In honor of No Name-Calling Week, librarians should refrain from calling their coworkers names. This positive action will help reduce the negative atmosphere perpetuated by all of the bullies, liars, jerks, perverts, weirdos, geeks, and name-callers who work at your library.

Ask the readers: What names will you stop calling your library coworkers for No Name-Calling Week?

Sweater vests, Politicizing

The American Library Association's Office for Intellectual Freedom is organizing Sweater Vest Sunday at the Midwinter meeting to raise awareness about challenges to intellectual freedom. Conference attendees are encouraged to wear sweater vests to champion citizens' freedom to read. If you do not have a sweater vest, it is perfectly acceptable to fashion one by ripping neck and arm holes into a conference tote bag.